I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, November 24, 2006

To the fuck driving the Ford Ranger

Hey.

You don’t know me, but I know you. I know you pretty damn well. In fact, I almost rammed my car into the highway guardrail because you were driving parallel to me and wouldn’t let me merge. If I sped up, so did you. If I slowed down, so did you. After I finally merged, you slammed on the brakes, even though there was no one ahead of you. It was like you wanted me to hit you. Being the better driver, I didn’t.

So, you wanted to fuck with me, huh?

Well, just so you know, you just fucked with the wrong man.

Thanks to a camera phone and a friend who works at the DMW, I was able to ascertain your home address in a few minutes.

You know what I did with this newfound information? Come on. Guess. That’s right, I went to your home.

Too bad you weren't home. Your mother was. She opened the door for me. She’s nice. And hot. Your mom is pretty hot, dude. A total MILF. Your brother was there, too. Said he was waiting for you. He’s pretty hot, too. Funny how you skipped out on the hotness gene.

But enough about you.

Remember what I said about your mom? Hot, right? Yeah. She was so hot, that I couldn’t help myself. So I fucked yo momma. I fucked her good. In your bed. She said it was the best fuck she ever had. Her husband never fucked her the way I fucked her. And, I fucked her. Hard.

Oh, and your brother? Fucked him, too.

Dude, your bro’ was hotter than yo momma. No matter what he told you about his girlfriend, he’s lying – he likes dick, any which way he can get it. His performance was like an audition for Sean Cody. He was so good, I fucked him twice. In your bed.

Where was your hot MILF in all of this? She was watching me fuck your bro’ while fucking herself with a 14-inch dildo. Black. Belonging to your bro'. Yo momma is a total freak. So is your bro’, by the way.

In case you’re wondering about your father, don’t worry. He’s alright. I didn’t fuck yo daddy. He didn't show up. Doesn’t matter, though. He'll find out what his wife and son did earlier on in the day. It's all on DVD.

Just remember, I know where you live. Keep your doors locked and don’t answer if somebody knocks. It might be me.

By the way, change your sheets, you cheap bastard. Those things were so rough, I practically exfoliated a layer of skin off my body.

And to the douche driving the dark grey, two-door Honda Accord coupe, circa 2000, who was always swerving around, practically side-swiping other cars, then wouldn’t let me merge in his lane, slammed on the brakes, and made me almost slam into him, I got your licence plate number, too.

493-RKM.

You’re next, you fuck.

Best,
Steven.

12 Comments:

Blogger Shaney said...

Ummm...Whats going on??
This is too bizarre to actually have taken place...lol
It is too "Jerry Springer"
Did you have a bad day or are you just being a funny guy!
xox

November 24, 2006 7:39 am  
Blogger liquid said...

driving in Montreal, were you?

November 24, 2006 8:19 am  
Blogger Steven said...

Shaney: It's a joke. I didn't care what kind of sheets he had.

Liquid: God forbid if I was driving in Montreal. Can you imagine?

November 24, 2006 9:59 am  
Blogger Mitzzee said...

holy nekkid avators over here!!!

you are definitely vengeful, your horroscope told me so.

funny post!! ;)

November 24, 2006 10:10 am  
Blogger Knottyboy said...

You evil, nasty, foul mouthed, angry, MILFucking, brother boffing jiz sprayer. *swoon* You sure do have a purdy mouth.
Mwah,
kb
Girl I will NEVER cross you...EVER!

November 24, 2006 12:33 pm  
Blogger hot-lunch said...

Strangely, this turned me on.

November 24, 2006 6:35 pm  
Blogger tornwordo said...

This has catharsis written all over it. Funny venting indeed.

November 25, 2006 7:03 am  
Blogger Lemuel said...

Darn! Just about the time I was about to ask you for your license plate number, you make and model of car, I found out you were joking. Darn! Double Darn! I was about to follow your car, squeeze you off the road and then hurry home and pretend I was my brother! ;)

November 25, 2006 6:41 pm  
Blogger jimmmij said...

ROAD RAGE!!! I loved it! Was cut off this afternoon and I thought I was going to loose my shit! Thanks for posting everything that I was thinking!!! BTW, great blog.

November 26, 2006 1:02 am  
Anonymous Glenn said...

Steven, dearest, methinks we need to have a little chat. You seem to have gone off the deep end.

November 26, 2006 8:00 pm  
Blogger madamerouge said...

love it

November 27, 2006 9:41 pm  
Blogger Anthony said...

wow, I guess you had a really bad drive in that morning...
venting is good

out with anger in with love....

December 04, 2006 6:13 pm  

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