I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Epidermis epidemic

A secretive situation is quietly creeping through society. People don’t speak up because they are too ashamed or embarrassed to admit to this problem; a silent slayer of self-esteem. I’m talking about ingrown hairs.

Before contemplating the ridiculousness of the claim, hear me out. Like a new wrinkle, age spot, or pimple, ingrowns can ruin the day for a beautybot. It’s depressing. Yet, unlike the aforementioned situations, ingrowns are inevitable.

Exfoliating skin with a scrub eliminates any unwanted build-up of old skin cells. It also makes skin feel even smoother, avoiding the need for microdermabrasion and chemical peels. A splash of warm water opens the skin’s pores and softens the hair shaft. With the appropriate shaving solution applied, and a razor in your hand, you are ready to go.

No matter how long or short the stroke, whether skin is stretched or not, there will be a little blood. And, no, it doesn’t matter whether the blade is new, or not. I find after the second shave, the blade is coated with a little shaving gel residue and that allows the sharp edges to glide smoothly across my sensitive areas.

When finished, a balm is applied to cool and moisturize the newly shorn surfaces. Skin is hair-free. Then, the horror begins. Dots, small and dark, appear on the top layer of skin. Looking closer, there appears to be a hair, fighting its way through the epidermis (only the damn thing doesn’t). Inevitably, the end result is a (ahem) blemish.

So, it’s time to get out the fine needle (sterilized, of course) and tweezers perform their duties: prick, pick, and pull. I won’t go into further graphic detail, but I will say that the 3P method can get a little ooh-glay.

After all is said and done, it’s time for another shave. The perpetual cycle continues.

Leading chemists and researchers eradicate other daily (vanity-ridden) drawbacks like blemishes and blackheads, yet they can’t resolve this other problem. Hey, brainiacs, you wanna earn your keep? Resolve this epidermis epidemic.

Don’t design another razor (do you really need one with a half-dozen blades?), or whip up another luscious-smelling solution to slather on your skin (it ain’t edible, so who cares if it smells like vanilla). Develop something to strengthen hair so it can push itself out of the skin, make the outer layer of skin thinner (literally, not psychologically), or eliminate hair altogether. Oh, and while you’re at it, make it affordable and available at every drugstore.

Fulfill the customer’s needs, and you’ll make loads of money (look at botulism in a bottle). As an added bonus, their self-esteem will improve (not to mention their skin). Stop the silence and the suffering!

But, until then, it’s back to the 3P method.


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