I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Save up all your tears

There are times in one's life when something devestating happens and the most appropriate reaction is to cry. Letting all the fear and frustration out of your body is a godsend. The salty water flowing from tear ducts relieves the pain and numbs the brain.

Yet, sometimes, no matter how sad the situation, I can't cry. I don't know if I've forgotten how to cry, or if I ever knew how to cry. The point is, when I should, I don't - even in the most dire of times...

As I sit down in the office, the door is closed and I feel something in the air. Tension. The news isn't good. The news is very, very bad. The worst possible outcome next to death - and death sounds better the more details I hear from this professional's checklist.

My head tilts to the side and my lips make a small part in order to take deep breaths. My first reaction is to scream, but it's too obvious. My second reaction is to vomit, but it isn't considered to be polite (not to mention gross).

Come to think of it, I think I should've been permitted to vomit since I need a distraction from all the listening.

But, I don't. I sit there and take my medicine like a good patient.

After leaving the office, I pull out my phone, and dial my sister's home number. I have no idea if she's there. After four rings, she picks up and I tell her what happened.

She's angry. She can't believe it. Her attempts to console me are varied, yet I can't register an appropriate reaction. Should I be angry, like her? Should I take a different route?

When I'm done speaking with my sister, I call my parents. Their reaction is one of bafflement. They don't want to hear any of it - there is no rational reason this should and would be happening to me.

Yet, for all their emotions, I feel nothing. True, there is some register of anger in my system, but not enough to show on a richter scale.

In the end, I want to cry. God, how I want to cry. But, I can't. I don't know how or when I should, even though this is the perfect time to let tears stream down my face. My body doesn't let me.

And, that is what makes me so sad.

3 Comments:

Blogger whatsthebuzz said...

Oh honey, you're not the only one like that. You learn to staunch those emotions over time, and when it's appropriate to cry...the 'don't cry' defense mechanism kicks in. You need to go somewhere private, turn the lights off and light a candle or two, get yourself a nice bottle of wine, sit on the floor and listen to sad songs, and let yourself feel sad until you can cry. Always here for you. Lisa

October 17, 2005 1:52 pm  
Anonymous newbie said...

You're right, in that crying can be a relief, but maybe although your mind and heart and soul have reached that point, your body has not. I usually lose it, when someone offers me some kinda relief. I cry from the relief, not get relief from the crying.

So, at the risk of making you cry, is there any thing I can do for ya?

October 17, 2005 9:00 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

I hope I don't have a breakdown at the grocery store, wearing a pair of old sweats, with bed head, runny nose, and waiting in line with a bag of milk in one hand and a US Weekly in the other.

Now, that would be enough to make anyone cry.

October 17, 2005 10:41 pm  

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