I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Green-eyed monster

There's an e-mail in my inbox from a friend who I haven't heard from in a while. I wonder what's going on. She hasn't written in quite some time, although I send her a short e-mail at least once every two months. She's probably really busy. Should I bother to open it? My eager mind tells me to.

Great news! She's been promoted for the second time in two years. How lovely.

Don't get me wrong. She works her ass off (I've worked with, and for her) and she's very good at what she does. It's not as if she's lying in front of the TV in a bathrobe and her hair in curlers, inhaling a box of bonbons, comparing the twisted and ridiculous storylines of Days of Our Lives and The Young and the Restless.

People will be telling her it's about time, and it couldn't happen to a more deserving person. Messages will come pouring out of her inbox, like an digital monsoon.

Yet, here is my problem: I can't write back. There's a physical and mental paralysis. It's not as if I don't have the time to write a short note, or call with a congratulatory message. That's not it. My problem with this situation is that there are too many conflicting emotions.

Part of me wants to take her out to a bar, fill her with enough booze, and pry the secrets of her success from her head. Another part of me wants to take her to the tallest skyscraper, show her the amazing view, and pray that a nasty crosswind takes care of the rest (like hell I'm pushing her off the ledge - there's no way I'm going to prison for first-degree murder).

Does that sound wrong? Why does this green-eyed monster come out of the woodwork whenever something good happens to someone else? Could it be because something good is happening to someone else but me?

In all realities, I'm happy for her and all my friends. No, really. Although we all graduated at the same time, our lives have taken different trajectories. Their lives are expensive cars, speeding past at 150 mph down the highway. My car is old and rusty, and can't get out of neutral. Fuck 150 mph, and try getting the stupid piece of shit to move.

No one wants to be envious of others, but it happens. Unavoidable. Oprahisms can't deprogram your mind. When you're happy, you're happy. When you're sad, you're sad. When you want to find all your competition, place them in a sound-proof room, pull out your automatic rifle and go all Scarface on their asses, well... then you've got a problem.

There is a simple cure for this. Chin up. A silent mantra whispers in my head: I have to be strong, I have to be confident, I have to be like my mother who is an amazing hypocrite (in the diplomatic sense of the word) and always smiles even when she's crumbling inside. Only then will the green-eyed monster disappears when I send her a quick note, congratulating her on her recent appointment.

Thank God I have brown eyes.


Anonymous whatsthebuzz said...

Sometimes, you just have to feel that way, until you don't feel that way anymore. I have the same curse. A friend of mine once said.."You and your sister are the only people I know, who have literally had to fight tooth and nail for everything you have." Why is that? Why do some people have to work twice as hard, for half? It's not much consolation, but try not to feel isolated. You're not alone!

May 20, 2005 1:18 pm  

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