I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Looking your best in five easy steps

Passing by the magazine stand, you’re bombarded with images of the perfect face and figure. You can look like this if you buy this magazine! they shout from their covers.

But how is that possible? you ask. Simple. The holy grail of self-improvement reveals itself after you shell over $5 plus tax.

For those who don’t have the time to flip through those pages (or pass by a magazine stand), I’ve devised a list of five easy steps that may raise a few eyebrows (a forehead lift isn’t required) and even sound controversial - but they work.

Step 1. Soap and water. Wash yourself. If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for those who will kill you if you don’t.

Step 2. Deodorant. You may think you don’t smell bad, but the reason why no one is saying anything to you is because your scent is as repellent as having that dirty old man hitting on you while you're in church... and he's the priest.

Step 3. A hairbrush/comb. That messy, freshly-fucked ‘do only looks good on hookers and alt-rockers who don’t believe in selling records because they’re “against the establishment” (i.e. they suck).

Step 4. Toothpaste and floss. Do you have a British smile? If so, please don't show anyone your teeth and pray to the baby Jesus for an amazing set of lips.

Step 5. Sunscreen. Aging doesn’t make you look older. Wrinkles make you look older. Think Robert Redford looks hot for his age? He’s 21 years old.

For approximately $20, you too can achieve so much in so little. Who knew it could be that easy?


Blogger Kevin said...

Superficial, party of 1, your table is ready!


July 21, 2006 2:06 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

I know. I have impossibly high standards.

July 21, 2006 4:30 pm  
Blogger Knottyboy said...

How about a couple of wardrobe suggestions along the self improvement lines?

1. White boys aren't gang bangers, contrary to what Mr. I-like-boys Eminem says. Pull up your pants, lace your shoes properly and turn your god damned hat around slick. Now get a fucking job.

2. Straight boys wearing 1970's pooka shell necklaces just means you have no gay friends to tell you you're not a bloody hippy. Swallow your pride and ask a gay boy what the hip ethnic jewelry now. And poofters, if I see you wearing one of these abortions disguised as a necklace you will get a "Tanya Harding" to the legs.

3. You just spent how much for those pants? You spent what on that shirt? Shouldn't the fact that they are new be obvious? Enough of the pre-distressed clothes gentlemen and ladies. Don't be so lazy that you can't trash your own clothes if you choose to wear them that way.

Whew! I must have coffee coursing through my viens. Look at all of that LOL!!!!

July 22, 2006 9:48 am  
Blogger Steven said...

KB, I had a whole list of dressing issues, but I left that one go.

Although I am in complete agreement over buying denim that looks like garbage for extreme amounts of $$.

July 22, 2006 2:01 pm  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Pragmatic advice that I fully concur with.

July 23, 2006 11:25 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

I admit to buying jeans that are already "seasoned." I do, however, break into hysterics when I see pricetags of $150-$400 for jeans. Ummm, how about $30, on sale.

July 25, 2006 9:48 am  

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