I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Riding 32 inches

This isn’t what I want to do. It’s not my thing. But, this Saturday I am moving my body in ways I never knew it could and using certain muscles that shouldn’t be flexed and stretched.

But, it’s all worth it in the end.

**

Within minutes of meeting him, I’m told to get my ass on the back of the pickup truck. The smell is discouraging and the dirty bed is filled with mud and soil.

Climbing over the tailgate, I look at the reason why I’m abandoning all logical thought. The sheer size of it makes my mouth water. Never would I do this in public, but for the right reason, I would give the performance of a lifetime, have a group of senior citizens watch me in amazement and make them take pictures to capture the moment for posterity.

Fuck, am I so desperate that I would sink to that low?

Yes. Yes I am.

With it nestled in the middle of the bed, I squat down, wrap my legs around it, lean back and use my arms for balance by holding onto the siderails. It’s a straining maneuvre for someone who doesn't relinquish control very easily.

I’m in position and the truck begins its course through the city.

As the car swerves through traffic, I smile and wave to the other drivers and pedestrians on the sidewalk. They can’t believe their eyes and turn their heads when I pass by. I am the consumate rodeo wrangler, riding 32 inches like a champion.

Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses are intrigued into joining my religion.

Finally, I arrive home after the long drive. My body aches. There is a pain in my lower back from being hunched over, my arms and shoulders twinge from stretching sidways and backwards, and the muslces in my legs burn form squatting in the same position.

When the truck stops, I get up, take a few steps towards the tailgate, reach back into the bed, pick up my newly-fixed television and take it inside.

7 Comments:

Blogger Steven said...

Yes, my weekends are incredibly boring spectacles.

July 24, 2006 12:08 pm  
Blogger Lemuel said...

That was worth a good chuckle. Reminds me of the old Jim Stafford song "My Girl Bill". Thanks for a day brightener.

July 24, 2006 12:09 pm  
Blogger Kevin said...

Oh my.

My pants are tight.

July 24, 2006 7:06 pm  
Anonymous Glenn said...

Put a smile on my face. Thanks!

July 24, 2006 11:15 pm  
Blogger Kelly said...

Too funny... I love it... I hope your 32 inches treats you well

July 25, 2006 7:19 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Television repair was never so interesting ; )

July 25, 2006 10:39 am  
Blogger Steven said...

Lemuel: I'm good for a chuckle inbetween depressive episodes - damn that bipolar disorder.

Six: Try another size (bigger is better sometimes).

Glenn: Happy to oblige.

Kelly: Happiness is correlated with size, apparently.

Torn: Exactly. Who knew TV repair could be so interesting?

July 25, 2006 4:44 pm  

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