I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Strike a pose

When the makeup and hair is done, the clothing styled, and a bit of coke sipped, I walk towards the area where everything is set up. A fantasy photoshoot, starring me. My giddiness is only surpassed by my ability to take a dozen packages of diuretics within a 12-hour period.

The lights are adjusted and I’m told a few simple directions: Go over there and make the product look good.

A few moments after getting prepped in front of the camera, I imitate expressions and poses from major campaigns. The penetrating stare. The longing and wistful look. The arm reach. The over the shoulder. And my personal favourite, the broken rag doll.

“Stop hunching over. Stand straight up,” the photographer yells. “Straighten up!” Apparently, this isn't Italian Vogue and he’s not Steven Miesel.

“The light. Move towards the light. No, no, the key light. The key light.” What light? This shit you have on me is so fucking dark I can barely see anything. I want to yell back the key light can kiss my ass, but I don’t because it’s unprofessional and I don’t want to be known as Naomi Campbell Jr.

A few hours pass and the day is almost ending.

“Perfect. Yes, yes. More, more. More like that,” the photographer is excited. My back hurts and my legs are about to buckle from standing in the same position. “Ok. One, two… two more. Ok, we’ve got it. Thanks everyone,” he claps enthusiastically.

Everyone begins thanking each other for a hard day’s work. Air kisses and promises of drinks are flowing in the air like magic dust.

Someone taps me on my shoulder and tells me I can clean up. I throw off the car tarp I was under, let my eyes adjust to the light and walk to the prep area to remove the reminder of my day from my face.

Note: Inside joke. The point I'm trying to make is that I am so unphotogenic and unmodellike I can only be photographed if I'm completely covered with a tarp. I never said it was a funny joke, though...


Blogger Kevin said...


August 22, 2006 9:39 am  
Blogger Steven said...

The point of this post is that I am so unphotogenic, the only thing I can (potentially) model are car covers.

I think this one was a Hummer.

August 22, 2006 9:48 am  
Blogger Jeff said...

I'll buy a car cover. It's all about the modelling and advertising with me. Now I better go, The shopping channel is selling moon rocks!!!!

August 22, 2006 10:32 am  
Anonymous Glenn said...

Just a tarp? Child's play. Give me a friggin' 6-person tent!! No more cookies for me.

August 22, 2006 11:52 am  
Blogger savante said...

Not the only one with a tarp. I'm carrying one too!


August 22, 2006 12:24 pm  
Blogger Kevin said...

Ohhhhhh! Yeah, get in line.

But if you're selling Hummers ...

no, it's too obvious ... even for me ...

August 22, 2006 1:41 pm  

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