I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Shitty songs of the 21st century

Each week on American Idol, contestants have to learn a new song from a particular time in the last century that exemplifies a certain style of music - modelled after the time, the writers, or the singers.

Cole Porter and Irving Berlin. George and Ira Gershwin. The Motown catalogue. The soul of Stevie Wonder. The schlock of Barry Manilow.

On last week’s episode, they announced the contestants would select songs from the 21st century. I don’t know if it’s just me, but the naughts haven’t really developed a strong musical identity. They’re as schizophrenic as Courtney Love coming down from a drug-induced high.

Hip-hop. Country. The fall of pop. The rise of personality-free wuss-rock.

This week's selections of the contestants may prove the 21st century will be known as the decade of shitty music…

Skinny black girl – Because of you. Beautiful song. Because of you... I'm ashamed of my life because I picked a song that I couldn't sing.

Blonde white hick girl – Country hick song. You lost your man, your house and your dog. We lost our mind.

Jake Gyllenhaal Jr. – Drops of Jupiter. Those are actually tears, JGJ. Tears from your adoring fans realizing you chose a suck-ass song. Oh, and keep your shirt on, 'cause Paula will pounce and release the cougar within if you give her any reason to.

Old young guy – Trouble. When I heard you were singing Trouble, I thought of the Pink version with the western thing going on. Kick ass. Then you sang something else. Oh well, I guess you are in trouble.

Big black girl, big black voice – Shackles (praise you). The song makes you want to convert. The louder you sing, the more Jesus can hear you. And Jesus ain't deaf.

Live’s replacement singer – What if. What if I didn't barf in my mouth a little after hearing you chose a song by Creed? What if you actually sang a song that sounded different from every other song you sang, week after week?

Kelly Clarkson Jr. – The voice within. Out of all the diva songs out there, you chose this one. Aren’t there tons of vocal-gymnastic-challenging songs out there? Oh wait, there aren’t.

Blonde white hick boy – Country hick song. Look up blonde white hick girl for explanation.

Lil' black girl, big black voice – Work it out. Worked it out she did. And, she tore it up, whipped it around, and did the booty bounce.

White boy, black voice – I don’t wanna be. Great pop-rock song, but Bo Bice sang it better. Still love you, though.

There you have it: ten songs that almost no one will remember after the credits roll on Wednesday’s results show.

And, that’s the way it ought to be.


Blogger tornwordo said...

Nicely done. I can't really dispute any of it. Very unmemorable evening. Mcphee's going to win it, I don't know why I keep watching.

March 29, 2006 5:26 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

Yeah, I can't not watch it either, despite my complete lack of interest in any of the contestants.

March 29, 2006 8:08 am  
Blogger Steven said...

Torn: Everybody thinks they know who will win (or make it to the final three), but there have been surprises year after year.

God forbid if Bucky makes it to the end, though...

Six: It's addictive. It's Crack TV.

March 29, 2006 3:07 pm  
Anonymous newbie said...

You're gonna get an ulcer, if you keep holding your feelins in, like that.

March 29, 2006 7:13 pm  
Blogger whatsthebuzz said...

I work a shift that doesn't allow me to watch this show, but your descriptions definitely paint a vivid picture! I can almost see these people, singing crap for all their worth. Some of it isn't crap, but I agree with your comments on hip hop! It's the 'disco' of the 21st century. (Tiffany, who?)

March 29, 2006 9:15 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

As much as I don't want to repeat what I mentioned before on surprises...

Just look at the results on this Wednesday's show.

You never know who will stay and who will go (please let it be Bucky).

March 29, 2006 11:27 pm  
Blogger vanguard said...

What the fucky, not Bucky? With that shitty ass mother fucking (and I do mean mother fucking, aunt fucking, sister fucking) song? And not in the bottom three? AAAAARGH

March 30, 2006 1:29 am  
Anonymous Dutchimport said...

I didn't see the show, but I heard about it, and what they said was that the episode tells you a lot about the quality of music in the last couple of years. I happen to like "Because of You"...

March 30, 2006 2:35 pm  

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