Here's my lifelong wish, my grown-up twisted list

Same time, every year, people make lists. The same lists. Best of. Christmas. Resolutions. Take the needle off the record, and it keeps on playing the same fuckin’ song.

So, instead of bucking tradition, I’ve decided to make my own list – with a twist.

Knowing me (or thinking that you know me), you’d expect something negative.

But, here’s the twist: It’s not negative.

Yes, it’s still sardonic, sarcastic and sophomoric, but that’s just me. The needle stays on the record, but it’s playing a different song.

Without further adieu, here is a list of a few things I am grateful for this year…

Doing isometric exercises (biceps, triceps, abs and glutes) while sitting for 7 hours straight at a desk chair.

Losing weight quickly because I don’t have time to eat breakfast, don’t take a lunch break, and get home so late that I skip dinner and go straight to bed.

Drinking makes me forget how much I wanna smack you upside the head.

Looking five years younger than my actual age, while photographing five years older – the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Having a full head of lustrous hair (and not being bald, or with a serious case of premature greys), yet never managing to have a good hair day.

Learning creative accounting; count every penny because when I have 120 of them, I can go treat myself to a coffee. A muffin costs extra.

Knowing that money can cure anything – literally, have you ever seen deliriously happy people that are dead-ass broke?

Considering going postal when someone tells me, “Don’t worry, it’ll get better. Just stay positive.” You know what? Shut the fuck up. It hasn’t gotten better in a long time. And, I’m positive about that.

Appreciating the relationships of those close to me who don’t bother to call, e-mail or pass by my home to see whether I’m okay, or if my limp, naked body lies on the floor, face-down in a pile of puke.

Drinking makes me forget... where was I, again?

Knowing that next year will bring another series of problems for me to overcome.

And, I will overcome each and every obstacle, even if it kills others.

Kinda makes you all warm and squishy inside, huh?