I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

What the fuck happened to Kenny Rogers?

You got to know when to hold them
Know when to fold them
Know when to walk away…

Kenny Rogers sang those lyrics many years ago in his song, The Gambler. He is a giant in the country music industry, although you wouldn’t recognize him if his name wasn’t plastered along the bottom of the screen on this week’s American Idol.

What the fuck happened to him?

Where are the sparkly suits and cowboy hats? The shaggy salt-and-pepper beard? The freakin’ mullet? That was part of his image. That made Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers.

You got to know when to hold them…

Now the man is wearing a lavender shirt over a tight, black v-neck and boot-cut jeans. The salt-and-pepper beard is now a snow-white goatee, and the mullet is moussed into a messed mass of mierda.

But, it doesn’t stop at Kenny Rogers.

Look at the remaining Idol contestants; every week, their look changes. As with the theme of the week, their looks change accordingly.

Know when to fold them…

Taylor looks more like Kenny Rogers than Kenny Rogers.

Mandisa sings better when her hair is straighter and when she dresses like someone in her 30s, as opposed to a teen who just ransacked a crochet store.

Elliott is growing out the hair and the goatee and doesn’t look like a reject from Lord of the Rings anymore.

Kellie is one tube top, push-up bra and pair of tight-ass jeans away from being a hostess at Denny’s.

Ace spends his free time sharing the mirror with Ryan Seacrest (and practicing that doe-eye look with the right hand reaching out to the crowd), so he shouldn't have a reason to look bad.

Paris changes clothes and her hair like she changes her songs. Psychologically, she is referred to as someone with DID (a.k.a. multiple-personality disorder).

Chris should stay away from the tweezers. Put them down and step far, far away.

Catherine gets sultrier - the clothes get tighter and shiner - and her hair is a Pantene commercial waiting to happen.

Bucky goes from country hick to someone who uses Velcro rollers in two weeks, but it’s back to the dude with the back of his head shaved and the fluffy mop on top.

Unfortunately, for Kenny and the rest of the gang, they forgot about the aforementioned lyrics when dealing with their stylists. It shouldn’t be about what the stylists think, it should be about who the contestants are (unless they’re Bucky, because his mirror is definitely playing tricks on him).

Know when to walk away…


An additional note: When my mother saw the episode, I asked her if she knew who it was and she pointed to the TV and said, "It's Kenny Rogers," in four seconds, like a savant.


Blogger tornwordo said...

OMG that was Kenny Rogers? I missed the very beginning and so I didn't know it was him until now. Didn't recognize him at all.

April 05, 2006 5:36 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

Yeah, I heard his friends actually had an intervention to stop him from having more "work" done.

No lie.

April 05, 2006 8:36 am  
Blogger Steven said...

The man is two steps away from being the male version of Jocelyn Wildenstein (the "cat lady" of plastic surgery).

April 05, 2006 11:39 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

I can't believe Bucktooth, uh, Bucky is still around, while three of the better singers (and the best male singer) were in the bottom.

WTF is up with America??

April 06, 2006 10:12 am  
Blogger toobusyliving said...

I saw him on THe View or something and thanks to crazy amounts of plastic surgery he was almost unrecognizable in that new Burt Reynolds kinda way.

Does Kenny still roast chicken accross the nation?

April 06, 2006 11:02 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wicked true story, my 9 month old newf puppy was howling like she was in pain when someone who looked liked kenny rogers (on estrogen) was singing. please kenny, stop.......doing anything

April 07, 2006 7:59 am  
Anonymous StarrFucker said...

He loves his surgery

April 10, 2006 4:15 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home