I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Commenting on commentaries

With the upgraded versions of recent DVDs, there are multi-stage tracks of directors, producers, writers, and stars talking about their latest masterpiece.

“See, right here, we held the shot just a little bit longer to capture a moment of sexual tension.”

“I really didn’t think I could make the jump, but then I was all like, fuck, I’m not gonna be a pussy, so I went and did it.”

“No one ever gives the screenwriter any credit. Do you know how many times I had to rewrite this stupid scene to please everyone and the craft service people? Do you?!

But, sometimes the movies suck and you’d rather be watching something else, like a porno - you know, something with a plot, original art direction, pretty clothes, and first-rate acting.

Is it just me, but wouldn’t it be great to know what porn stars are really thinking while in a scene?


“Damn, my acrylic nail is loosening… I can feel it going, going… Well, there it goes. I hope she doesn’t mind.”

“It’s so small. It looks like a golf pencil. Should I blow it, or write with it?”

“God, I feel fat. Must get to the gym after this. Must do some weight… ow, what the fuck is he doing?”

"I shouldn't have had Taco Bell for lunch."

"Damn, did you have Taco Bell for lunch?"

“142… 143… 144… There are 144 ceiling tiles.”

“Awww, gross. Sick. I can still taste it. Fucking enemas.”

“Milk, eggs, bread, cereal…”

“Oh yes. Yes. YES! Keep doing that, baby. Keep on, keepin’ on. You know how to work it. Just a little bit more. To the right. A little bit. A little… Oh yeah, that's the spot…”

And, so on and so forth.


Of course, maybe they don’t think of anything, at all. Maybe they’re drunk or drugged up, and hardly awake enough to really do anything except for act.

Then again, I don’t think anyone really cares what they think, and they’d rather watch the fucking movie.


Blogger Dantallion said...

“Awww, gross. Sick. I can still taste it. Fucking enemas.”

Vile. Absolutely vile.

August 30, 2006 11:14 am  
Blogger Lemuel said...

From the look on some of the actors' faces in porn sometimes, I think your right on with the "...There are 144 ceiling tiles" comment. Usually, my mind is "Really?! I only counted 143." Yeah, it's that engrossing.

Give me something "live and maybe not so pretty" anyday.

August 30, 2006 12:03 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Dan: Cleanliness is the next best thing to Godliness (or something like that).

Lemuel: Actually, I was thinking of a simple calculation when I wrote that, so the 12X12 note is totally random.

August 30, 2006 4:01 pm  

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