I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Cutting criticism

My parents are coming back from their vacation and I have to get the house ready for their arrival. The house isn’t dirty, but everything is covered with a thin layer of dust that has to be wiped clean.

In order to speed up this process, I ask my sister for a little assistance in the matter, since two neat-freaks are better than one.

For the next couple of days, my sister and I use every available cleaning product to eliminate any stain and odour we come across. When we’re done, you can hear the ding and the flash of light associated with a spotless house. There is no dirt and grime to be found, and you can eat off the floor (although you don’t have to since there are plenty of clean plates in the kitchen cabinets).

After picking up my parents at the airport, we take them home and wait for their surprise upon entering the squeaky-clean abode.

Unfortunately, someone has a different opinion the moment we open the door.

“You were here for how long and the least you could’ve done was pick up a broom…” are the first words my mother says the minute she walks through the vestibule. No, The house smells nice, or, It’s so good to be home. Nothing. Just a tongue lashing.

I look over at my sister with daggers in my eyes. She grabs my arm, opens her eyes wide and mouths, Don’t say anything.

Look at this place. It’s a mess,” my mother continues. “Now, I have to spend the next week cleaning...”

And that she does.

In the following days I have to endure the senseless babbling of my mother, while she points out every hair on the floor and every speck of dust that has fallen from the sky.

“If you had bothered to clean anything in the past month, I wouldn’t be doing this right now,” she repeats ad nauseum.

What I really think she means to say is, “If I wasn’t shitting up the house with my subpar attention to detail and the inability to use clean water to rinse off any crap that I left over when I was using a crusty rag to wash the floor, I’d be living vicariously through the gossip of my friends because I have nothing else better to do with my time like learn how to be a total nag of a mother.”

But then, I’m not one for cutting criticism.


Blogger Timmy said...

aww, it totally sounds like my mother when i was a teen. nothing was ever up to her standards.

October 11, 2006 8:11 am  
Anonymous jason (from the U.S.) said...

Not that I'm advocating this or anything, but have you ever thought of a swift blow to the side of the head to maybe jar her brain into proper functioning.

Not that I advocate that or anything...

October 11, 2006 8:52 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

Next time you have to house sit, bring in bags of mulch or topsoil and spread it around. She if she can tell the difference between clean and dirty then.

October 11, 2006 9:10 am  
Blogger Jeff said...

Just shit on the floor next time. Mark your territory with a ring of piss too! And then just spray some febreeze into the air, it's the new clean donca know.

October 11, 2006 10:42 am  
Blogger Joe said...

Thank god I was such a mess as a teenager that just a quick vacuum and mop has my mother delighted and bragging to her friends.

I'm sure that's when terms like "fastidious" come into play. You know, those gay codewords.

October 11, 2006 1:04 pm  
Blogger Lemuel said...

Is your mother still living?

She would not be had she given birth to me!

October 11, 2006 3:08 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Indy: Exactly.

JUS: Have thought of it, but haven't implemented it... yet.

Six: True. But, she'd have to clean it up and make me hear all about it.

Jeff: This from a man who loves his Electolux!

Joe: I forgot to mop. Damn!

Lemuel: Yes, she's alive. How old do you think I am??

October 11, 2006 3:54 pm  
Blogger Sunshine said...

Geez, that must have been so frustrating. Sam's mum is a bit like that but at least she wouldn't complain and just re-do everything herself.

October 11, 2006 11:54 pm  
Blogger toobusyliving said...

Um...time to move out?

October 12, 2006 12:34 am  
Blogger Jeff said...

i spray febreeze into the electrolux. That way I do two things at once, vacuum and freshen the air.

October 12, 2006 11:10 am  

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