I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Scratching the surface

When leaving my car in a parking lot, my father always reminds me to keep the car far away from the others. He believes the farther away it is, the less likely it will be scratched, dinged or stolen.

“You never know with those crazy drivers,” he says.

The rest of the family rebuts his thinking. They tell him he’s so protective of his own car, he should sleep with it under his bed and carry it around with him so no one can scratch, ding or steal it.

Of course, it’s nearly impossible to avoid having anything happen to your car. My little Lexus has small scratches and dings (inside and outside), although they’re mysteriously on the passenger side of the car.

Hmmm, I wonder how they got there...? Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Mother…?

Much to my dismay, I listen to my father’s advice, but I can’t do anything about the other drivers.


As I step out of my car and move towards the parking metre, I walk around the trunk and see it: a two-and-a-half foot (as in 30 inches) scratch that starts on the rear quarter fender and extends to the rear passenger side door.

Thirty fucking inches worth of scratch on my navy blue car. I am fuming.

For the person who made such an indelible mark on my car, I may not know who you are, but I hope get stuck in one of those vacated, hick towns, where there’s some psycho out huntin’ fuckers who scratch the paint surfaces of other people’s cars and don’t leave a note of concern, or a number of their insurance company, impales you with a pole through your forehead like Paris Hilton in House of Wax.

Or he can just leave a 30-inch scratch on your own car.


Blogger Kevin said...

Eh. Just fill it in with a Sharpie. :)

June 28, 2006 1:19 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Yeah a sharpie works. Moreover, why not ditch the car and all the inherent caretaking and fretting that goes with it. You live in a big city with public transportation right?

June 28, 2006 8:59 am  
Blogger Knottyboy said...

I have never had this issue come up in my life since I've always drive used cars. I don't have any aspirations for anything nicer than a Subaru. Well that's not entirely true... When I first got my Honda scooter and parked it front of a gay bar, some drunk fucker pushed the damn thing over and left it sitting in the street that way. I hope that person's gag reflex grew back.

June 28, 2006 10:46 am  
Blogger Earl said...


Was that your car?

I was trying to apply my lipstick while backing up and sending a text message at the same time.

Just kiddin'.

It was probably Lindsay Lohan. She drives into everything.

Blame the paparazzi.

June 28, 2006 1:55 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Six: Sharpie my baby? No.

Torn: My LL is how I get out of the city (I use public transit within the city).

KB: Your scooter attack wouldn't have happened if you drove a Vespa.

Earl: Li-Lo did it? Good, now I can sue. Cha-ching!

July 01, 2006 12:56 am  

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