I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Take your pants and jacket off

While Superman has the convenience of a phone booth to change into his superhero costume, I don’t have that luxury when I need to throw on (or off) something when in a public place.

After a meeting, I have to run across the city to meet up with D. It’s a doable task in the amount of time I have, but wearing a black suit, shirt and tie, in the blazing hot sun, it will be unbearable.

I have to change out of these clothes ASAP.

Running into a store isn’t feasible, since most of them don’t have washrooms for customers. A restaurant isn’t a good idea, either, since I'm not sitting down for a meal. A coffee shop is the only alternative, but I don’t want to run around with a cup of hot coffee in my hand while dodging pedestrians on the busy sidewalks.

What to do?

Strip in public.

While walking up Bay Street, I begin by first pulling my mitchell from across my chest to my right arm. I then start to shimmy out of the left side of my blazer. After the blazer is half off, I switch my mitchell to the left side and repeat the same shimmy. The blazer is now off and I throw it over my arm.

Next comes the tie. With a few good pulls, it comes off and over my head, and I throw it into my bag.

I’m lucky that I haven’t encountered any red lights, because that would make this procedure a little awkward. And, even if that happens, I’ll act like I do this all the time (which I do).

Now I unbutton my dress shirt using my right hand, while still holding onto my jacket. From top to bottom, each button is undone, and using both hands, I pull it out of my pants. The dress shirt and the t-shirt I'm wearing get pulled up, showing my stomach (which I make sure to tense-up).

Of course, it always helps to have a slight breeze. Not only does it help with the removal of the occasional sticky article of clothing, but it acts as method of cooling you down, and as a wind machine, it blows your threads in a dramatic fashion.

Then, off comes the dress shirt. Using the same method as removing the jacket, I shimmy out of the left side of it (the bag is now secure in my right hand), then switch everything onto the left side of my body while shimmying out of the right side.

If I had the choice to take my pants off, I would (which would be a sight to be seen – me running down a busy street with my pants around my ankles), but I don’t have a spare pair and indecency laws require people to wear bottoms in public (and the black-socks-and-shoes combo would be a travesty to behold).

Now, I have on a printed t-shirt and a pair of black pants. The mitchell is on my left shoulder and the jacket and dress shirt are hung over my right arm. But I throw the jacket on, to finish off the outfit.

By the time I get to my D’s place, she informs me that she has to reschedule for another day.

Too bad. I got all dressed down just for her.

3 Comments:

Blogger Kevin said...

Don't you hate it when you get all undressed and then get sent home?

July 31, 2006 9:30 am  
Blogger Steven said...

Six: It was such a pain in the ass b/c I had to commute to the other part of the city to meet her.

July 31, 2006 5:34 pm  
Anonymous glenn said...

Sounds like me, except I've become adept at changing in my car.

July 31, 2006 9:24 pm  

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