I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, October 16, 2006

To sleep, perchance to clean

Four-star hotels are known for their impeccable service, famous in-house restaurants, and the ability to bend over backwards for any guest’s eccentric whims.

They’re also known for well-made beds, crisp sheets with hospital corners, fluffy pillows, and mattresses that induce non-medicinal comas.

But, unlike Eloise, I don’t live at the Park Plaza.

At home, I try to create a semblance of a four-star experience, even though no one makes my bed in the morning and puts a mint on my pillow.

This morning, while making the bed, I notice something before the sheets are smoothed and the corners are re-tucked.

Only today I notice something out of the ordinary. There are a lot flecks of stuff on my top sheet, which is strange since I don't eat in bed. What is this crap? Before sweeping it off the bed, I lean in and see what the flecks really are and this - nocturnal oddity - makes my mind wander about two things:

a) Do I lose that much hair while I sleep?
b) Do I pick my nose that much while I sleep?

Can the Four Seasons do anything about this? Do they have someone that collects your hair as it falls from your head? Do they have someone smack your hand away the second your hand reaches for your nose?

They probably do, for the right price.

Hmmm... I'm sure I could do it for next to nothing and start sleeping while wearing a ski-mask.

Note: This post is dedicated to those wondering about last week's mental state. To alleviate any feeling of doubt about my "depression," I wrote about balding and boogers. Enjoy!


Blogger Joe said...

So what were the flecks? hair? boogers? something else?

October 16, 2006 6:54 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

I dont know that it is possible to pick your nose while sleeping. This deserves some research.

October 16, 2006 8:22 am  
Anonymous jason (from the U.S.) said...

I'm going to be nice, and not say ANYTHING.

You get ONE of these a month. Be grateful. ;0)

October 16, 2006 8:43 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

ummm .... yeah ....

October 16, 2006 9:12 am  
Blogger Steven said...

Joe: Sadly, I was talking about hair and boogers.

Indy: Apparently, I'm a walking (or is it sleeping?) research grant waiting to happen.

JUS: One a month, huh? What about compound interest?

Six: Ummm... exactly...

October 16, 2006 11:42 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

I would say so.

October 16, 2006 1:51 pm  
Blogger liquid said...

Huh. Funny AND vile at the same time. I'm impressed.

October 16, 2006 3:39 pm  
Blogger Jason said...

Sorry, my mind was in the gutter too.

October 16, 2006 10:05 pm  

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