I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Secret lovers

While I’m talking to my friends S and V over drinks at Lola, I bring up the topic of relationships, specifically that of secret lovers. They know what I’m talking about without going into too much detail because they’ve had their own.

One was going out with someone for six months, while the other was seeing her man for a year. That doesn't compare to one (former) friend who I only got to meet her man at the wedding for the first time (after she was going out with him for two years).

The reason why I want to talk about this issue is that I see it happening all the time. For years, whenever one person was dating another person, you’d know it. In fact, they practically registered for flatware on the second date. Now, that doesn’t happen as frequently, and when it does, you feel sorry for them because you know it’s going to end by the time they disagree on flat vs. filigreed patterns.

But, what is the reason for secret lovers?

It makes sense if you’re still in the beginning stages. You don’t want to tell anyone because you don’t know what’s going on and what you’re doing. Is it a one-time thing, or is it more? Is it casual or is it serious? And, you don’t want to tell your friends because they’ll probably make a snide remark like a typical relationship cynic.

It doesn’t make sense after you’re seeing each other for several months. Why wouldn’t you want to talk about the person you’re dating if you're seeing them on a regular basis?

For some reason I think it’s due to some form of shame. If you don’t want to introduce someone to someone else (especially if they’re a friend), then there’s something wrong.

Is it due to looks, age, race, upbringing, education, financial status? If you’re seeing this person and you’re serious about them, those things shouldn’t faze you and they wouldn’t matter. If they do, then you’re insecure about your relationship. Who cares if your friends don’t approve? They’re not dating him/her. If a friend makes a comment, it should roll off your shoulders like water from a duck’s back.

Still, it makes me wonder why some people can be insecure over something that shouldn’t be.


Blogger Victor said...

I had low self esteem when I was younger and envied most other people who all seemed so confident and self secure. As I grew older and with experience I realised that even these apparently all confident types have their insecurities.

March 26, 2008 1:32 am  
Blogger about a boy said...

im not insecure. much.

we just havent been defined yet. :)

March 26, 2008 9:01 am  
Blogger DavisMcDavis said...

I have a ladyfriend who has been dating a guy for years and years and I've never met him. I've speculated as to why I've never been introduced but I still don't know - I figure either he's ugly or a lady, but also I think maybe my friend doesn't really want to commit to him and introducing him to her friends would make it more "real." I really have no idea, but some day I hope to find out - ha ha...

March 26, 2008 11:43 am  

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