I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Giving you the worst that I got

Reflecting back on these past few weeks, I’ve decided it’s time for a change. There is something broken that needs fixing, and it should be taken care of immediately.

There are a lot of things about me that are repellent to others and I have to make a concerted effort to remedy them.

First, I’m going to gain those 30 pounds that everyone wants me to put on. No one likes the fit body that I have, so I might as well start eating my weight in food in order to gain those necessary kilos. I’ll be going from six pack abs to six packs of everything I can put my hands on.

Second, I’m going to stop caring about my general appearance. No longer will I keep my looks presentable by shaving, using the occasional scrub and moisturizer, and no brush will pass through the curls on my head. And, on top of it, I just might start pulling out large chunks of hair from my head to appear balder, ‘cause it’s so hot.

Third, I’m going to start dumbing myself down to the point that I’ll be studied by the MENSA people as a former member who “let himself go” to the other side. And, while I’m at it, I’m going to talk less and say a lot of monosyllabic words, like yeah and dude. Oh, yeah, I’ll grunt, too.

Fourth, I'm going to start acting like an asshole. More so. It's true that when you treat someone like shit, they respond by liking you and throwing themselves at you. Put politeness to the side, and throw a large piece of rudeness on the plate; this motherfucker is going to make you feel like the biggest piece of crap and you'll love me for it.

Why go through such a change? Easy. These are the kinds of people who – it seems – everyone is attracted to. The more I hear about people who fit these criteria who have plenty of fun in their social life, the more I think it works. I always thought the fantasy guy on the cover of Men’s Fitness was the one who made hearts palpitate, but I was wrong (change number three is already taking effect).

Let’s hope those four changes will have an effect. They have to. It can’t get any worse, right?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You mean you're turning straight? Oh, God no!

March 17, 2008 10:48 am  
Blogger about a boy said...

oh my god. sounds drastic. you canucks are crazy. and i mean that in a good way!

March 17, 2008 11:14 am  
Blogger dit said...

Don't go changin to please me. lol

I think you are brilliant just the way you are. Fetch away! That's all. lol

March 17, 2008 8:10 pm  
Blogger Marquis said...

Umm! I am completely understanding where you are coming from. However I think you are perfect the way you are.

March 17, 2008 9:17 pm  
Blogger Random Thinker said...

So, what you're really saying is that you are committing to make yourself a better person than you are... Not perfect, but a work in progress.

March 18, 2008 8:52 am  
Blogger Greg said...

Maybe its one of the above, or you just had a bad day and wanted to rant?

How about a hug?
Or you can slap me around a bit - lol

March 24, 2008 1:36 am  

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