I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Pink sandpaper

In the western hemisphere, there are certain luxuries that people take for granted: electricity that allows lights to switch on and off; indoor plumbing that allows people to do their duties within the confines of an actual loo (not a hole in the ground).

Out of those luxuries, only one trumps them all. The world is a better place due to its existence.

I’m talking about padded toilet paper.

When travelling in Europe, I never realized there so many variations on TP, as long as they were all rough to the touch and could remove multiple layers of paint from your walls.

Imagine what it would do to your nether regions?

Does anyone enjoy exfoliating the crack of their ass?

Their TP is also very pulpy (not the same as padded). So pulpy, in fact, that you can see pieces of wood. Whoever enjoys getting a load of splinters while wiping their ass is something I’d rather not get into right now.

Also, the EU believes it is better to produce unbleached TP - because the abrasive chemicals can cause irritation after repeated usage - than the white stuff.

But, they’re not above adding a little colour to their TP. Typically available in a variety of pastel colours (pink, blue and yellow), the rolls look cute, but there’s a reason why they should only be used for arts and crafts not arses and crap: the colour is transferable.

Anyone who wants to walk around with a highly-sensitive, blue ass is none of my business. And, please don’t bother showing it to me, either.

When you hear about products such as these, it’s no wonder people are grouchy first thing in the morning.

Pink sandpaper?

Dude, it’s the shit.


Blogger Knottyboy said...

I didn't notice any ill effects from using the tp in Praha, but German toilets with the "shit shelf" are the literal SHITS! OMG now there's a topic on the advents of flushing technology that is right up your blue, splintery 'alley'.

April 17, 2006 10:33 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Imagine how many centuries passed before there was toilet paper.

I bought 30 rolls on sale last month. It is the harshest, raspiest shit, I'm never chintzing out on the TP again!

April 17, 2006 3:45 pm  
Blogger Kevin said...

I'm VERY sensitive about what TP I use.

And does anyone else remember the pastel TPs from the 70's? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

April 18, 2006 10:03 am  
Blogger Steven said...

KB: Remind me never to go to Germany with you.

Tornwordo: Apparently, your bum's comfort does have a price.

Six: That TP is alive and well in Europe.

April 18, 2006 10:35 am  
Anonymous newbie said...

If I rubbed in on the cheeks of my ass, do you think it would whittle it down, a bit? Cuz, I'd try that.

April 18, 2006 9:06 pm  
Blogger whatsthebuzz said...

With my luck, it would cause irritation and swelling. NO one wants to see that!

April 20, 2006 3:30 am  
Blogger Lemuel said...

In 1971 I had the opportunity to spend a month in Germany. No where in all my German classes did any one prepare me for what awaited in the "WC". kb is right. I took one look at the toilets with their little shelves and wondered how was I supposed to use it! It was gross! Then when push came to shove I had to use that bark they call toilet paper. Yikes! It made me yearn for the Sears catalog at my grandmother's!

July 21, 2006 2:30 pm  
Anonymous Markus said...

You have all been in the wrong places in Germany. The sandpaper ones are always used where money has to be saved, everywhere else it is soft as silk. And regarding the shelves it's because a: nobody in Germany wants to get water splashed at their ass when they do a poo and b: it's sort of a tradition because everybody had to check if the got worms (Trichinella)which was quite common in 19th and early 20th century Germany

May 22, 2007 8:05 am  

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