I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Canada D-eh

On July 1st, Canada celebrates the emancipation of a bubbly beverage company from the stronghold of the Coca Cola Corporation.

Wait, that’s Canada Dry, not Canada Day.

Whatever. Same shit, different pile.

Anyway, before the fireworks are lit, I’d like to clarify a few Canadian clichés (I’m sure other people – Kelly to the west, Richard to the east, and everyone inbetween - can also help me out) before we pop open the bottles of Molson.


We do not have an accent (we pronounce about the English way).

We do not end our questions with the word “eh.”

We do not wear trucker hats (a.k.a. hoser caps) and plaid flannel.

We do not live in igloos (only when Home Depot has sold out of portable a/c units).

It does not snow here all year round (winters in the Toronto area can be mild).

It does get incredibly hot and humid during the summer (my curly hair!).

We do not know who Tom is (you know, that other guy who lives in Canada).

We also don't know who Mike is.

Mounties do not walk the streets, but at fetish fairs (it's all about the uniform).

Moose do not walk the streets, but there are shitloads of them in Toronto.

We are not all polite and courteous (I will push you off the sidewalk into the street if you step in my way – don’t try it, grandma).

We are not all self-effacing (we're just shittin' ya).

Tim Hortons is not known for his hockey skills, but for his coffee (and donuts).

Not all Canadians love hockey (the sacrilege! the shock!).


There are probably dozens more, but I’ll just reinforce another stereotype and worry about it later.

It’s time to kick back and relax, celebrate with friends and family, and get drunk enough that the weekend blurs from one day to the next (with very little beer barfing).

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.


Note: For all those below the 49th parallel, Happy 4th of July, and for all of those who aren’t celebrating any particular holiday, celebrate anyway!


Blogger Kevin said...

Umm, I distinctly hear an "aboot" when speaking to you. Not how the English OR the Americans pronounce it. Maybe the Scots ...

And thanks for the uncredited shout-out! tee hee ;)

June 30, 2006 9:28 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Yeah, now when I go home they say I have a canadian accent. I do not say oot. I say out.

We aren't celebrating that really here. There is a token parade but it's all about the Jazz Festival now.

June 30, 2006 1:11 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Six: I admit the Canada Dry/Day reference was yours.

Torn: I've seen your video posts, and I can't detect any discernable accent (which means you sound Canadian).

July 01, 2006 12:52 am  
Blogger jetboy747 said...

Great post.

I met this horrible moron in San Fran, Albert, who asked me about my igloo and dog sled. Thing is, he lived in TO until Canada revoked his VISA and kicked him out of the country. Along with Celine Dion, another idiot for America. I feel sorry them sometimes.

The best I've ever gotten though was in London, when, a very sweet English girl, asked if we strapped tennis rackets to our feet.

You mean, snowshoes? No, we don't. It was funny, really.

July 01, 2006 1:45 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Jetboy: Shit, I forgot about snowshoes! And dog sleds!

Oh, and we aren't that close to the North Pole - and we don't fuckin' know Santa, either.

July 02, 2006 1:39 am  
Blogger Normlr said...

I never notice people saying aboot or oot. Am I just immune or is it a stereotype? I'm so confused.

Oh, and apparently we're fond of saying pro-cess instead of praw-cess.

July 04, 2006 12:33 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Normlr: You know, I just said process out loud to make sure?

July 05, 2006 4:09 pm  

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