I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Green sateen

Although style is subjective, there is no grey area between good and bad taste. No one knows this better than me, and knows it least than my mother.

“Steven, what do you think about this?” says my mother as she opens a Linens ‘n Things flyer in front of me.

“What?” I search the page with my eyes.

“This.” She points to a comforter set, with a black-cream-green stripe pattern in a shiny sateen finish. “I was thinking of getting that for you because I don’t like the one you have on your bed right now.”

“I don’t care if you don’t like my comforter, because I like it,” I say. “And, anyway,” I wave my hand over the photo, “that’s ugly.”

UGLY?” She’s clearly insulted because I made a negative comment about her taste. For years, she’s been imposing her sartorial selections on me, to no avail. She thinks I should buy clothes three times my size because I shouldn’t show people how thin I am, because thinness is an inverse reflection of prosperity. “That’s your style.”

No, I don’t like that. THAT,” I point to the page, bending it under the pressure of my index finger, “is ugly.”

“Why do you say it’s ugly?” She puts her hand on her hip.

“First off, it’s sateen. Sateen looks like cheap polyester.” Not to mention that you slide off the bed the moment you sit on it, and it looks like it came off the set of a bad porno movie. “Second, there’s green in it. I don’t like green.”

“There isn’t green.”

Yes, there is.” I point to the green stripe that repeats every third band.

“That isn’t green,” she says as she leans in closer to the image.

“Right there.” I point to the stripe. “It’s green. And. I. Don’t. Like. It.”

Ugh,” she huffs. “No wonder you don’t like anything. You’re so picky.”

“I’m not picky. You just don’t have any taste.”

She turns around and walks out of the kitchen while I put the Linens ‘n Things flyer in the recycling bin. There’s no arguing about shades of grey, especially when it’s green sateen.


Blogger Lemuel said...

If your mother thinks that thinness is an inverse sign of prosperity, she would be absolutely delirious with joy over me! However, I hate to burst her bubble on that one. She must love Rubens.

December 05, 2006 5:55 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

My mother and I have similar conversations all the time. She usually concedes that she is lucky to have a gay son with some taste so that she doesnt have to have any.

December 05, 2006 8:38 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

Ummm, I think you just described my bedding set.

December 05, 2006 9:31 am  
Blogger Pablo said...

I am gay and have no idea about fashion and decorating and all that crap. I don't care about it.

December 05, 2006 10:09 am  
Blogger your judgemental aunt said...

don't be mean to your mom.

December 05, 2006 11:24 am  
Blogger Normlr said...

What the hell is Sateen? Is it the pleather of satin?

December 05, 2006 11:48 am  
Blogger hot-lunch said...

It's not easy being green.

December 05, 2006 1:14 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Lemuel: Delirious. Yup, that's her.

Timmy: So you're her shopping buddy?

Six: Oops. Sorry.

Pablo: But you'd know ugly when it stares you in the face.

YJA: Hey! She's mean to me!

Normlr: Yup, pretty much. Just as shiny and tacky.

HL: Funny.

December 05, 2006 1:36 pm  
Blogger liquid said...

I'm with normlr. Never heard of it. It even SOUNDS, well, prissy if you ask me.

December 05, 2006 4:16 pm  
Blogger Lewis said...

How could you possibly speak badly of my favorite color? You and your mamma both sound like little balls of fire!

December 05, 2006 5:40 pm  
Blogger madamerouge said...

Sateen is like velveteen: an impostor. A stand-in. Normlr's right... it's the pleather of satin.

December 05, 2006 8:25 pm  
Anonymous Glenn said...

It ain't easy being green.

December 05, 2006 10:17 pm  
Blogger tornwordo said...

I have no taste, as I only look at price.

December 06, 2006 6:54 am  

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