I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Slather it on

The tester comes inside one of the magazines which I subscribe to. Within the bronze-toned package lie promises of tight and toned skin. In fact, the hyperbole is in English and in French: Suractif. Bilingual beauty.

The minute I dab a few dots of this cream on my skin, the dermis begins to pull tight. My skin glows. My fine lines disappear. My eyes are brighter. I look almost fetal... in a few minutes, that is.

Until then, I wait.

Beauty companies develop so many dream creams, it’s a wonder they’re not sued by consumers, angry and bitterly disappointed after using these products without a realistic outcome - except for an emptier wallet.

But, then I think if this dream cream (not the same as cream dream) delivers, there are other things it can be used for. If this said cream can tighten the skin on your face, imagine what it could do on the rest of your body.

Ass not as perky as your personality? Rub some onto your cheeks.

Can’t get rid of those pesky love handles? A few pats should take care of that.

Possess lunch lady arms that wave like a flag on a windy day? Sorry, they said promises, not miracles.

As my friend and I are walking down the street on a particularly windy say, I mention this to her. She’s not particularly impressed with these false promises. Apparently, she thinks she has no issues with puffiness. She should think that through, especially when day 28 rolls around.

Later on in the day, after looking in the mirror, I see my skin looks smoother and the texture is softer to the touch. Hallelujah! Thank the patron Saint of Estée Lauder!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to slather a few inches of cream on my stomach to see whether it works on tightening my abs after eating too much Hallowe'en candy.


Blogger Lemuel said...

Let me know if your product works. I'll volunteer to be your poster boy.

November 21, 2006 6:41 am  
Blogger Tom said...

Inquiring minds want to know...

Does it really work? What is it? Can we get it in the USA?

Damn you Steven, you can't keep your beauty secret to yourself!!!

Love ya
"Saggy-baggy-puffy: Tom"

November 21, 2006 7:46 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

all lies, all lies.

November 21, 2006 7:55 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all snake oil

November 21, 2006 8:28 am  
Blogger liquid said...

"Suractif - Brought to you by the makers of Preperation H"

November 21, 2006 8:55 am  
Blogger RIC said...

Yeah sure! «Dream creams» so that you may dream on and, while sleeping and dreaming, give them your money as in a dream... Believe me, eu sei!

November 21, 2006 10:01 am  
Blogger Pablo said...

Dream cream sounds sooo dirty.

November 21, 2006 11:03 am  
Blogger Jason said...

Surgery is faster but more expensive.

November 21, 2006 11:49 am  
Blogger madamerouge said...

"some turnaround cream that doesn't turnaround shit!" - Margaret Cho

November 21, 2006 12:05 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Lemuel: It did work... until you wash it off.

Tom: It's Suractif from Lancaster. Check your cosmetics counter. It's expensive, though.

Timmy: It really does work and I looked like a teenager again (which is easy since I'm still in my 20s).

Salem: Whatever it is, it's expensive.

Liquid: I haven't tried Prep H for my face, but it is sometimes confused with my butt.

Ric: True, but it was a free sample.

Pablo: Cream dream sounds worse.

Jason: Yes, but it's also more invasive (and friggin' painful).

MR: It turns around your wallet, right?

November 21, 2006 12:32 pm  
Blogger your judgemental aunt said...

Become Asian. They always look much younger than tey are.

November 21, 2006 1:43 pm  

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