I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Church of Scientology wants you!

If you turn on the TV, flip a page in a magazine, listen to the radio, or walk along the sidewalk, there will always be someone hawking religion. From Christians to Muslims, they’re all persistent in their pragmatic ploys, like they’ve got too much time on their hands.

Didn’t anyone ever tell them idle hands are a sign of the devil?

Anyway, seeing as I’m bored, I decide to try out some religious rhetoric and call T to start off my weekend on a high point.

After I dial the number and the phone rings a few times, I go over a few lines in my head. So that I won’t break character, I remind myself to stay calm and not laugh.

"Hi!" I say in a chipper tone after T picks up. "Could I speak with T, please?"

"This is," answers T.

“Hi, my name is Thomas and I’m calling from the Church of Scientology. How are you doing today?”

“Uh. Good?” T sounds a little weary.

“That’s great! I was just calling to see whether you’d be interested in joining our religion. I had some information passed my way, saying you were wondering about Scientology and I am giving you call to see if you were still interested.”

“Uh…” There’s an uncomfortable pause. I can only imagine what’s going through T’s mind.

“T, I’m kidding,” I break character and begin to laugh. “This is Steven. You know, Steven." I let my name sink in for a few seconds. "I’m not from the Church of Scientology. I was just joking.”

“Oh my God,” T laughs. He goes on to say that he went on some religious sites, and thought they were now coming after him.

“I hope not,” I say. “Anyway, I had this whole spiel planned out. I was going to invite you to a private wedding ceremony from one of our most famous members, happening next weekend, blah blah blah. And, if you were really good, you would be one of the very, very best men. Hint, hint.”

“That is too funny,” T says in between laughs.

“I know. I think I spent more time on this than I should have, huh?”

After we finish our conversation, I sent T a note in a follow-up e-mail that asks if he’s interested in coming to a Scientology seminar on the weekend.

Clearly, like all of those religious nuts that are tough to crack, I have a lot of free time on my hands - it’s the only way to free myself from going straight to hell.


Blogger Lemuel said...

"God'll get you for that!" **grin** (It's a line from an old comedy character [by Flip Wilson as I recall].)

November 13, 2006 5:57 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

Jesus loves you Steven.


nice post!

November 13, 2006 7:24 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I might have hung up.

November 13, 2006 9:28 am  
Blogger liquid said...

if it had been me, you'd never have gotten past “Hi, my name is Thomas and I’m calling from the Church of Scientology,” . I loathe telemarketers. And religious ones? nope nope nope nope.

November 13, 2006 10:38 am  
Blogger Knottyboy said...

You're still going to go to a meeting? Well at least that have good eats and you should have a plethora of blogger fodder. Take your camera phone if you see someone famous jumping on the couch.

November 13, 2006 10:48 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe you'd like to stop by for a stress test? bring your visa!

November 13, 2006 1:06 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Lemuel: I know, I'm SO going to hell.

Timmy: Jesus loves you, too!

Salem: I'm surprised he didn't hang up sooner.

Liquid: I can't stand them either - and they always call when I'm eating!

KB: They feed their people well. I mean, look at John Travolta.

Anon (T.C.): A stress test? Is that what they call a conversion?

And, who is T.C.? I have a few names that fill the bill, but I don't want to make any assumptions.

November 13, 2006 2:47 pm  
Blogger madamerouge said...

I can see body thetans all over you...

November 16, 2006 12:25 am  

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