I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


There’s a single moment to capture the attention of someone else that you’ve had your eye on and it’s up to you to make the best of it.


When someone is eating BBQ wings, there will always be a drop of sauce that lands on the side of their mouth. Since they don’t realize it’s there (mostly because they’re scarfing down fatty pieces of chicken), the sauce is like a sweet spot that marks the opportunity for flirtation.

The ideal scenario entails telling them not to move, leaning towards them, extending your arm, taking your fingers (index and thumb) to wipe the sauce with one swipe, retracting your arm, bringing your fingers to your mouth and sucking on them nonchalantly.

But, I don’t do that.

Inevitably, I turn into my mother. I end up telling them they have something on the side of their mouth, pointing with my finger, doing the mad-cow tongue wag, picking up a napkin, moistening it with some saliva, reaching across the table, grabbing their face with one hand, and rubbing the spot with the spit-slick cloth just like she used to do with me when I was a kid.

Because, you know, that's like way hotter.


Blogger Lewis said...

Anytime you want to spit on me and then rub the spot, just let me know.

December 14, 2006 12:09 am  
Blogger Lemuel said...

I think I'd prefer if you licked or sucked it off the corners of my mouth. :)

December 14, 2006 6:35 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

Mommy knows best!

December 14, 2006 7:35 am  
Blogger Shaney said...

heya babe, sorry I have been MIA lately...Kinda got the whole dizzy fit going on in my life...But hoepfully soon it will get better...hugs...xox

December 14, 2006 7:35 am  
Blogger Pablo said...

You could always text them to let them know about the BBQ spot. Then put one of these: ;-)

December 14, 2006 10:01 am  
Blogger jetboy747 said...

Hot. Saliva soaked Kleenex. Hot. Maybe a little hotter if said Kleenex were cleaning up red bean paste.

December 14, 2006 3:38 pm  
Blogger Sunshine said...

Great tip, Casanova :P

December 14, 2006 5:00 pm  
Anonymous Roland said...

Just found your blog, great work, very funny and inciteful :)
Keep up the great work!

December 14, 2006 8:36 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mama knows best...

December 16, 2006 2:29 am  
Blogger madamerouge said...

I just remembered the scene from Ally McBeal with her daydream that her date's face is covered in gobs of salad dressing.

December 17, 2006 9:26 pm  
Blogger Kevin said...

I do the opposite. I start the dry heaves because it's so disgusting if you can't keep the food IN your mouth instead of ON it. Then I get up and I leave them sitting there, dumbfounded.

(And to pick up the check. I mean, seriously, it's the least they can do.)

December 18, 2006 9:34 am  

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