I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Crack of my ass

For years, women have had a difficulty finding the perfect bra. The cups are not the right size, the straps dig into their shoulders, they don’t provide enough support, are just some of the complaints.

So, companies listened to them and made multiple varieties of sizes and styles to fit the varying shapes of the womanly form.

So, why don’t they do the same thing with underwear for men?

Men come in all shapes – around the mid-section. They don’t all look like the Ken doll that is featured on the packaging. Some are thinner, some are thicker. But, even with the S-XL sizing, there are other problems with underwear:

- Too much cotton, not enough stretch
- Too much stretch, not enough cotton
- Too big and baggy, or too small and confining
- They ride up with wear, or they sag where they shouldn’t
- Too much space for small behinds
- Too little space for, well… you know

For me, finding a half-decent, modestly-priced pair of underwear (I don’t wear them that often, so they shouldn’t cost a fortune) takes forever.

And, I’ve had practice.

Once, I had a pair whose elastic wore on the right side and not on the left. After a day of walking around, I was left with a ½ thong – the stupid underwear on the right side bunched up and rolled up my ass crack. So, the rest of the day was spent twitching and picking at my ass, pulling out the offending fabric, only to do it again if I walked more than 10 feet.


Maybe I should give up and wear the ones I own… Or, maybe I should just move to a climate where it’s underwear optional.

Note: If any underwear company reads this, I’d be happy to take anything you send me (size small). I'd even take photos if you send over a few pairs. It's free PR! It's win-win for everyone!


Blogger Sunshine said...

Hmm, I've never had much trouble with them. Maybe I'm just generic. :P

December 08, 2006 12:22 am  
Blogger Not so Single Guy said...

You should try Bjoern Boerg undies made in Sweden. They are like the wonder undies for men! make your package look better!

December 08, 2006 3:04 am  
Blogger Lemuel said...

When I read this, I was shouting "Yes! Yes! Someone else has this problem. I am not alone!"

I'm sure that we do not share the same reasons for the fit problems, but I concur. My body just never has fit anything "off the rack", but by golly, I am not about to pay for tailor made undies.

Beyond the brief problem, I also cry over t-shirts. After one wear they never fit. They shrink or stretch one way or the other and never fit again.

December 08, 2006 5:55 am  
Blogger Kelly said...

You should get the new GENRE magazine or maybe it is Instinct... there is a spread on different underwear for different body types which is pretty good... is may help in your search for good underwear... my favorite right now are my Jockey boxerbreifs... they fit me better than anything I have had and are not really expensive... I am sure if I had a fortune to spend I would Calvin K or something like that...

December 08, 2006 7:21 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's just not optional. Find some.

December 08, 2006 7:46 am  
Blogger Pablo said...

If all else fails, boxers. They can't be that bad.

December 08, 2006 8:06 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

I like Aussie Bum! Or you could just go commando!

December 08, 2006 8:18 am  
Blogger liquid said...

I'm with Timmy - commando is the way to go.

December 08, 2006 9:37 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

"Size small."


December 08, 2006 9:56 am  
Blogger madamerouge said...

If one regularly goes commando, does one then put that day's pair of pants immediately into the laundry basket? And if that is the case (please, let it be the case), don't the pants in one's wardrobe wear out overly quickly?

December 08, 2006 1:55 pm  
Blogger Lewis said...

Commando. Only way to go.

December 08, 2006 2:06 pm  
Blogger Pablo said...

No commando. No. NO!

December 08, 2006 2:08 pm  
Blogger your judgemental aunt said...

Don't pull a Britney! Always wear underwear! How someone cannot is beyond me? I have tried all kinds of different underwear. I must say Levis makes the best fitted boxer ever. So comfy with all their cottony goodness. The buttons stay buttoned and they don't get all stretched half way through the day. The Runner up is the Big Star fitted boxer.

December 08, 2006 2:49 pm  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Underwear just seems so superfluous. Keep your ass tightly closed and there's no need for them, lol.

December 08, 2006 3:51 pm  
Blogger hot-lunch said...

i'm not an underwear company, but how about I buy you a pair, send it over, and you can still take those promised pictures?

have u tried ginch gonch? they're a local Vancouver brand, so i gots to help piimp my city out whenever possible.

December 08, 2006 3:58 pm  
Blogger Lexx said...

I'm with you on most things, but it end here.

You want Hanro Pima Cotton Boxers.
They're 65 bucks (USD) a pair and completely worth it.

You do not want to meet the man of your dreams and not have on drawers that day. Commando is for Levi's 'n Leather nites only.

December 08, 2006 4:16 pm  
Blogger Brian FInch said...

Try Aussiebum's underwear with there copyrighted basket enhancing technology!

December 08, 2006 9:19 pm  
Blogger Knottyboy said...

I can't write a reply here. I'm to worked up.

December 09, 2006 10:06 am  
Blogger Edd.D said...

jockeys fit me pretty well

December 10, 2006 1:11 pm  
Blogger Lewis said...

Size small? Hum.
So, we're at Macy's the other night....and happened to walk by the underwwear section. Thanks to you and this post, I just had to look at them...the pics, the packages, the shapes and sizes. Since I never wear any, I had no use to buy any that night.

December 10, 2006 6:32 pm  
Anonymous Jason said...

Um, hello? You weren't at my xmas party, with or without underwear.

December 11, 2006 11:51 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

commando? bbbbrrrrr!!! uhm its winter? can we talk about "shrinkage"??? noooo need for that!!

December 12, 2006 2:08 pm  
Blogger eric3000 said...

I have so much trouble finding underwear that fits! Most smalls fall right off of me. I've tried shopping in the boy's department but, for some reason, that underwear is just not very sexy!

December 13, 2006 7:59 pm  

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