I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

To the guy who stared at me in the subway

Hey.

You don’t know me, but I know you. In fact, I think I know you very well. You may not recognize my face, but you should, since you were staring at it while I was sitting across from you and your woman while on the subway.

To be honest, I didn’t mind it at first. People can’t stop staring at me; I’m like a bloody car accident that killed several people. But, after a while, it began to bother me.

You would stare at me, then hug your woman, then stare at me, then kiss your woman, then stare at me, again. It’s as if you were holding onto her, afraid I was going to take her away from you. Your dirty looks said so much, yet, with your lack of basic English, said so little.

Now, let me say this to you, in a language I hope you understand… Pablo, no quiero tu mujer.

In fact, the only reason I would want Consuela is if she would come over and clean my house. Just to be fair, you could take care of any other household repairs and when those are done, you can take care of the gardening. There are lot of squirrels that need to be shot.

¿Entiendes? Espero que tu comprendes, porque yo no tengo tiempo para hablarte.

Now, stop staring at me because it’s really bothering me. Do something productive with your day and take a shower because you're filthy. I swear, with all that pomade in your hair, I’m surprised you’re not flammable when walking around in the sun. And tell Consuela to stay away from the fajitas, because she's packing an extra 20 pounds.

Best,
Steven.

12 Comments:

Blogger Eric said...

Como se dice, "LOL" en espanol? :-)

August 08, 2007 9:32 am  
Blogger Chris said...

Maybe he was hinting at a threesome? A greasy threesome, but a threesome nonetheless.

I take it back. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

August 08, 2007 9:52 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

Wow, that could come off as incredibly racist if not for the ... no, there's no way around it.

August 08, 2007 10:14 am  
Anonymous Joe said...

Whoa, hold up, Kevin. This from a guy who has a picture on his page that says, "Stereotypes are a real timesaver"?

August 08, 2007 11:15 am  
Blogger Atari_Age said...

this guy must have really creeped you out!

August 08, 2007 11:27 am  
Blogger Dantallion said...

I'm trying to look for the "tongue in cheek" in this post, but I just don't see it.

August 08, 2007 1:17 pm  
Blogger hot-lunch said...

Maybe it was like one of those Latino soaps. U know, where all you see are close-ups of people staring at each other. Like the one they parodied on MAdTV:
http://www.youtube.com/v/pWa0aFNxutE

Una Snack Cracker?? Una Triscuit??

August 08, 2007 2:35 pm  
Blogger Lewis said...

Holy sweet Jesus, man......I thought I was listening to Karen on Will and Grace there for a minute. I'll be that I'd be staring too.

August 08, 2007 3:45 pm  
Blogger Glenn said...

This was one of your funnier, more biting posts.

August 08, 2007 11:11 pm  
Anonymous bergen said...

Yeah. I'm thinking that maybe he could read your racism all over your face. In fact, I'm sure of it. Whatever you thought he was thinking about you really couldn't be any worse than what you were thinking of him. I get the uncomfortableness you felt. Staring is disarming in that way. But perhaps you had some hatred of him even before the staring bothered you. Maybe your judgment of others is all to readable. Maybe THAT's why everyone is always staring at you. You're staring at them.

August 13, 2007 3:18 pm  
Blogger Dop said...

hysterical

August 17, 2007 12:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww! You're such a conceited asshole :)

I hope you rot in hell, dickwad.

October 31, 2009 10:26 am  

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