To the guy who stared at me in the subway

Hey.

You don’t know me, but I know you. In fact, I think I know you very well. You may not recognize my face, but you should, since you were staring at it while I was sitting across from you and your woman while on the subway.

To be honest, I didn’t mind it at first. People can’t stop staring at me; I’m like a bloody car accident that killed several people. But, after a while, it began to bother me.

You would stare at me, then hug your woman, then stare at me, then kiss your woman, then stare at me, again. It’s as if you were holding onto her, afraid I was going to take her away from you. Your dirty looks said so much, yet, with your lack of basic English, said so little.

Now, let me say this to you, in a language I hope you understand… Pablo, no quiero tu mujer.

In fact, the only reason I would want Consuela is if she would come over and clean my house. Just to be fair, you could take care of any other household repairs and when those are done, you can take care of the gardening. There are lot of squirrels that need to be shot.

¿Entiendes? Espero que tu comprendes, porque yo no tengo tiempo para hablarte.

Now, stop staring at me because it’s really bothering me. Do something productive with your day and take a shower because you're filthy. I swear, with all that pomade in your hair, I’m surprised you’re not flammable when walking around in the sun. And tell Consuela to stay away from the fajitas, because she's packing an extra 20 pounds.

Best,
Steven.