I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, July 11, 2008

To the guy who thinks he's so interesting

Hey.

You don’t know me, but I know you. In fact, I think I know you pretty well. In fact, because you’re always talking about yourself, I think I know a lot about you. Unfortunately, because you’re such a meathead, you don’t realize how ridiculous you are.

The reason why you emulate others is because you don’t have a personality of your own. No, you’re not interesting because you associate yourself with someone famous. It’s just sad. You're not Holden Caulfield. No one is. Why the hell would you think that? I know the reason why. In fact, it's my next point.

You’re just dumb and want to give the impression you’re a lot smarter than you are. You’re not. You could surround yourself around an intellectual, or two, but your friends are pretty dumb, too. I can only imagine what sorts of conversations you have. Two seconds and you’re done. At least you’re not wasting precious air that I need to breathe (through my nose, not my mouth, like you). And even if you're all a pack of vacuous airheads, you still don't do anything interesting. Oh yes, dancing and drugs is so much fun - I can imagine I'm back in the 1980's all over again!

And, I know you’re good looking. In fact, you talk about it all the time. That’s very humble. What a gracious person you are, bestowing your perceived beauty onto us ugly plebeians. By the way, did you know if you were living in a larger city, no one would give you a second glance, because there are 10 pretty boys for every one of you? Just thought you’d want to know that.

You do have a great body. Then again, I would too if I worked out eight days a week. You have a six-pack? Congrats! I have one, too, and I don’t work out at all. My body isn’t that bad, either. Every once in a while I even get a compliment when I’m fully clothed.

Which brings me to clothing. Stop talking about your clothes. They’re nothing special. They’re rather bland and you wear them all the time. Do you have only two pairs of pants and five shirts? I don’t care if they’re designer. A lot of my clothes have labels in them, too, but I don’t talk about what I’m wearing as if I’m being interviewed by Mary Hart at the Oscars.

And, while I’m at it, I have to talk about your bag. It’s ugly. Fucking ugly. Period. You’re a fucking idiot for a) picking that fucking ugly bag, b) spending that much fucking money on that fucking ugly bag, and c) admitting that you spent that much fucking money on that fucking ugly bag.

So, do me and the rest of the world a favour: shut up and huddle yourself away where you don’t have to be seen by the rest of us. It’s just too painful.

Oh, yeah, and you have a small dick.

Best,
Steven.

15 Comments:

Blogger Kelly said...

LOVE IT!!! If my phone would not cost so much to replace, he would be the type of guy I would wind up and throw it as hard as I could directy at his face and hopefully chip a tooth... that would shut him up... smooches... have a good weekend!!

July 11, 2008 12:33 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Hmm. Did he turn you down for a date or something? JK

July 11, 2008 6:57 am  
Blogger Sooo-this-is-me said...

It is the small dick that is making him a dick, he has to make up for it some how.

Btw, are we ever bitchy today! Ha! ;P

July 11, 2008 9:14 am  
Blogger The Neighbors Will Hear said...

You know, some people breathe through their mouths because they have allergies or other sinus problems.

You're probably right about the small dick, though.

July 11, 2008 10:24 am  
Blogger WTWTG said...

LOL! Two things:

1. Did u have your coffee this morning?

2. Please let me this person has a blog. I MUST read about his ugly bag and small penis.

July 11, 2008 10:55 am  
Blogger The Blackout Blog said...

ROFL @ "At least you’re not wasting precious air that I need to breathe (through my nose, not my mouth, like you)."

July 11, 2008 12:14 pm  
Blogger Doghigh said...

You've just described a conversation I've had in my head with roughly 42.7% of the homos in NYC.

C'est fantistique!!!!! Merci!!!!

July 11, 2008 12:28 pm  
Blogger Chris said...

I'd imagine he says things in conversation like:

"But enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"

Send him to NYC. I'll take care of him.

July 11, 2008 2:01 pm  
Blogger dit said...

Crazy, but I think we know the same person. lol

Love it!

July 11, 2008 2:42 pm  
Blogger Random Thinker said...

and you know he has a small dick how? surely he doesn't talk about that!

July 11, 2008 5:08 pm  
Blogger Sh@ney said...

*giggles*

Oh Steven! You rock my world with these posts!

You have just the right amount of charm & wit about you!

I hope someday we get to meet! Now let me go and nag Nate about a trip to Canada! I'll get back to you in say 2016! :P

July 12, 2008 3:20 am  
Blogger Anthony said...

omg too funny!!!

July 12, 2008 4:31 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steven…

You haven’t been talking to the mirror again, have you?

I thought you had that licked.

Remember that licking the mirror is not the same as kissing the mirror.

July 12, 2008 4:57 pm  
Blogger Naijadude said...

hehe nice post I would say and I will like to echo one of the comments left earlier...
Did he turn you down on a date or something?

July 14, 2008 1:25 pm  
Blogger DavisMcDavis said...

You know, you could have just written to me privately instead of airing all my dirty laundry in public. Harumph!

July 15, 2008 9:50 am  

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