Grocery shopping turns me on

Every time I go to the grocery store, I want to run out as fast as I can. It's not the fact that the parking lot has no spaces close to the entrance, the store is filled with fat and obnoxious people, and there's never any fresh strawberries when I want them.

No, the fact why I don't like going to the grocery store isn't due to the shopping, but the employees. None of them are old, most of them are in high school or college and approximately 80 per cent of them are pretty hot.

For some reason, the attractiveness gene skipped my generation. True, there is something about adulthood that lends itself to a mature sexuality, but nothing beats youth.

And, when you see them give you the eye, there's nothing I can do but place my basket in front of my basket. Maybe they're being friendly, but I don't think their goal is to see who sells the most melons. None of them work on commission. If I pay any attention to their wanted advances, I can come across as a lascivious old man. Then again, it doesn't help when I'm casually holding a cucumber against my crotch.

When the cashier hands me my receipt, gives me a wink and tells me to have a great day, I feel like taking her on the conveyor belt, right in front of the other customers.

But, those thoughts leave my mind the minute I walk back outside to the parking lot, but they'll come back the second I walk through those doors the following week when I go grocery shopping.