To the guy who thinks he’s a better singer than me

Hey.

You know me and I know you, so let’s cut the pleasantries and get this out of the way as quickly as possible.

Even though you claim that people are always lauding your singing voice, you know deep down inside you’re not that good. It’s not that strong, it’s not distinctive and it’s rather flat. No matter how many times you try to do vocal gymnastics, you can’t.

True, I’m not saying I’m the greatest, but even you admitted I'm pretty good. In fact, most people are shocked to hear the voice that comes out of my mouth (and not in a bad way). It’s as if the voice doesn’t match the body, like Christina Aguilera.

And, speaking of Christina, you can’t do that long run of Candyman. It sounds like you’re humming for about seven seconds before you run out of breath. When I sing it, you’re surprised I’m able to belt it out and make your hair blow back with the sheer force of projection.

Thankfully I’m not going to talk about stage presence, either, as a favour to you. That’s another topic for another time.

So, as a favour to me and to everyone else who hasn’t told this to your face (and behind your back), please don’t quit your day job. You’re much better at sitting behind a computer than a microphone.

Best,
S.