I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Under where?

There are certain conversations that you are never prepared for, even though you know there’s going to be one for the record books that will pop up at any given moment.

“What are these?” says my mother, holding up a pair of my underwear in her hand as if they’re covered in poo. Why she has my underwear in her hand is not known to me.

“They’re underwear.”

“I know what they are!” she says. “But whose are they?”

“They’re mine.” I roll my eyes. Why are we having this conversation?

“They can’t possibly be yours! They’re tiny! Look at them! They must be from some kid.”

Does she really think I’m some pedophile, collecting children’s underwear?

“No, they’re mine.” I’m already exasperated.

“What’s wrong with you? Look at the size of these things.” She continues to hold them at an arm’s length distance. “How can these things fit you? What? Do you not have an ass, or other things?”

“They fit me just fine. All of me.”

Why she even bothered with this line of questioning is beyond my comprehension.

This coming from a woman who wears the same bra, day in and day out, for years. This coming from a woman who only wears granny panties that ride up to a resting place under her boobs. This coming from a woman who wouldn’t know proper fitting undergarments if they grew in La Perla’s magical garden.

Why does she care what kinds of underwear I use? Shouldn’t she be happy that I’m wearing them?

I grab the underwear and walk out of the room. Next time I’ll make sure to hide my unmentionables so she won’t have to see what else I wear underneath my clothes.

12 Comments:

Blogger Marquis said...

Ok, that was a bit disturbing. I can't believe your mom did that, so inappopriate. I can only imagine the look on your face.

October 04, 2007 8:02 am  
Blogger nikki said...

uh...why IS your underpants so small? i'm not ya momma so i figure i can ask this question. lol

October 04, 2007 8:27 am  
Blogger Chris said...

Tell her that you have small underwear because that's the way "big John" likes them.

She'll never ask you again.

October 04, 2007 9:05 am  
Blogger about a boy said...

i think you should leave your dildo. or butt plug. or both out the next time mom is due for a visit.

October 04, 2007 9:32 am  
Blogger knottyboy said...

You're gonna suffocate the best treats on you hon. Why would such a pretty man want to do that?
kb
But I'm not saying you should start wearing a tarpaulin panties either. Something with 'breathing room' will suffice.
kb

October 04, 2007 9:49 am  
Anonymous photogreg said...

Maybe you could use one of these:

http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/2007/10/no-mess-underwear-storage.html

With a lock!

October 04, 2007 9:55 am  
Blogger Eric said...

That picture is dirty. Higher up next time.

October 04, 2007 11:52 am  
Blogger Lewis said...

Listen hear you hot hunk of a hung man.......I've told you and told you.....be like your much older, less attractive, Uncle Lewis and DON'T WEAR ANY UNDERPANTIES. Commando is the only way to go. In spite of how much of an underwear fetish I have. Along with other fetishes (and no they don't involve my mom holding a pair of my skivvies)

October 04, 2007 12:14 pm  
Blogger Christopher said...

You were right...we do share the same mom...I feel your pain!

October 04, 2007 2:09 pm  
Blogger Naijadude said...

I can guess how uncomfortable that will be eh! Go get bigger underwear eh...lol

October 04, 2007 4:36 pm  
Blogger alexsander said...

lol very funny

October 04, 2007 8:09 pm  
Blogger Rusty said...

I'm with you on the skimpy undies. There is always the comforting thought when I'm sitting through some interminable, pointless meeting that I can think, "I look damn hot in these very comfortable underwear" and everything is suddenly alright.

October 04, 2007 8:28 pm  

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