To the jolly fat man in the red suit

Hey.

You don't know me, but I know you. In fact, I think I know you pretty well. You've listened to me ramble on about my wishes for years and have done nothing about it. And, don't you tell me you were the one who got me all my presents - my parents never bothered with the charade. I know the difference between shit and shinola.

Anyway, let's get back to the point of this letter...

If you're reading this right now, it means two things:

1. You're pretty tech savvy.
2. I still have time to stop a yearly catastrophe.

You see, Santa, since I was small, I used to get the presents I wanted. They were relatively inexpensive, with the occasional extravagance (like a ghetto blaster, or a Nintendo gaming system). But, even as the years passed, there were always some people who never "got it" and kept on giving me presents that were not suitable for me.

Before I start sounding like a spoiled and petulant child, hear me out.

They were never bad gifts, per se. They were ideas fermented in feeble minds that never fully came to fruition. They would've been fine for some, but if these people knew anything about me, they would've known that I never shop in certain stores and never cared for any of their merchandise. It's wasteful, plain and simple.

In fact, it would've been better if I received nothing to begin with. At least no one would've spent a cent. I would've even been happy with a donation to a charity of my choice, than a itchy pair of wool pants that was four sizes too large.

So, if you're still reading, please don't make anyone get me an ugly sweater, more socks, underwear that I'll never slip on, toys of any kind (even naughty ones), stank ass cologne that makes me sneeze, electronic/digital devices that will be irrelevant in six months, and crap. No crap of any kind. None, whatsoever.

And, if you know anyone who got me anything from the aforementioned list, please burn it. Burn it all. And, while you're at it, punish those who thought those presents would be a good idea. Seriously. Punish the fuck out of them. You know, so they'll learn their lesson for next year.

Oh, and I know I've been a bad boy this year, so I really don't care if I'm not on the list. If I wanted to be brainwashed into being a good boy, I'd just go to church and follow Catholicism (even though with all that pedophelia, it's all a wash).

Best,
Steven.