I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The defence rests

After having dinner with B, we both walk over to the living room and sit down in our respective spots. It isn’t too long before we’re continuing the conversation, this time without having to stop between bites.

As we talk, inevitably the interplay of career and relationships comes to centre stage. The more I begin to discuss my positions on the matter, my patter becomes clipped. Suddenly, I'm Sam Waterson without the bushy eyebrows and off-the-rack suit. It sounds like I’m standing in front of a court of my peers, defending my position – guilty, or innocent.

When B asks me whether I would give up on some of my aspirations if someone came into my life, I answer almost too quickly.

“If there was someone who came into my life, would I change? No, I don’t think I would,” is what I say.

The reason for my answer is both long and complicated.

For years, I lived my life according to the dictum of my parents. What I did, I did for them. Of course, when you live your life for someone else, you can never please them, no matter how hard you try.

After realizing I would never make them happy, I took it upon myself to be selfish and live my life for me. If I can’t be happy, then I have no one to blame but myself. I’m an adult and I should take full responsibility for my actions.

And, as I grew older, my dreams and aspirations changed. No longer did I want the marriage with its accoutrements, white picket fence, lush lawn, and four bedroom house located at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac. I wanted something that didn’t depend on others; I wanted to depend on me. Being married with children isn’t a goal since it only – technically – requires a paper to be signed, and nine months of gestation.

For the past decade, I’ve been focusing on accomplishments that were tangible - not physical - in nature. They’re both concrete and abstract. They can range from a fulfilling career and a corner office with a view, to a sense of accomplishment and respect from my family, friends and peers.

It is only then when I achieve them is when I’ll be happy. I didn’t need anyone to make my happiness come to fruition except myself. If they happen to come along, then it’s just the cherry on top of the sundae. If they’re running late, then I won’t wait for them (I can’t stand tardiness). And since I’ve been alone for years, it’s not like I’ll be ill adapted to singledom in the future.

This is my choice in life, and I stand by it.

The defence rests.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well then, I find the defendant NOT guilty! lol - lot of what you said sounds just like what I believe.

If you haven't achieved your goal of being happy, I hope it happens real soon.

December 11, 2007 2:28 am  
Blogger Eric said...

wow. so you truly have decided that only a concrete set of goals will make you happy? i guess i finally talked myself into being happy with the journey most of all.

December 11, 2007 9:02 am  
Blogger Chris said...

Oh my God. Your blog is like therapy. Now I know the reason for all of my selfish behavior:

My parents.

December 11, 2007 9:32 am  
Blogger we could grow up together said...

was heidi at the aftershow?

December 11, 2007 10:36 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems pretty straight forward to me. Not being able to make any concessions, adjustments, etc, can be very limiting. But, so giving away too much. I think many of us, when we're young, try to please others by giving away too much. Sometimes (like me) we keep repeating the habit.

But it's best to learn that ultimately you come first. The only question is will you still allow flexibility for someone who means something special.

December 11, 2007 10:59 am  
Blogger Steven said...

All: Basically, my point is I've seen too many people 'give up their dreams' for someone they love.

So, they end up bitter and angry since they never got to live the life they wanted by putting someone else's dreams before theirs.

December 11, 2007 1:24 pm  
Blogger Rusty said...

Wow - we feel the same way about career. I am happy, satisfied, and fulfilled by the work that I do. I have yet to meet a person who makes me as complete as success in my job.

We have so much in common, maybe I could get you to quit your job and come to Texas. Or maybe I should just read the post again....

December 11, 2007 8:33 pm  
Blogger Random Thinker said...

I won't say your jaded, but damn... you need to get laid.

I understand what you're saying, i think you just have to be careful that you keep your options open, and give yourself permission to change what your goals are, even though some older ones may not have been fulfilled.

its amazing how god likes to fuck with people who try to plan everything out!

December 12, 2007 10:52 am  

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