I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

It's only free if you ask

Being someone who doesn’t like to abuse his immense power towards the plebian masses, I find it difficult to ask for things that aren’t rightfully mine. But, if it’s your birthday, then you have carte blanche to ask for anything and no one will refuse.


I’ve finished my lunch of fresh pasta with prosciutto at Bar One on Queen West, and I tell the server it was delicious after taking a sip of my full-fat cappuccino. It’s only when I pay the bill that I tell her that it's my birthday and celebrating it by myself. She feels bad for me and says she could’ve done something special for me if I told her sooner.

Hmmm, I think in my head. Is this what happens when it’s your birthday? You get something for free? I guess it’s only free if you ask. Wait, she isn’t talking about something sexual, is she? If so, that's not included in the tip.

As I saunter down the street, I go into several stores, but don’t ask for anything since I already get a designer discount at most places. When I enter Dufflet Pastries, I know I have to milk this sad-sack cow for every cent its worth.

“I was wondering if you could put a candle in that pastry so that I could sing happy birthday to myself,” I say after selecting a chocolate tart.

“Sure,” says the server.

“Well, you know, no one wanted to do anything with me today,” I make a sad face, “so I have to celebrate all by myself.” Like any good Catholic, I lay on the grief on top of the guilt.

“Oh, that’s so sad. Wait, let me give you a special discount.”

Only a discount? Shouldn’t I get it for free? Oh well…

To commemorate the event, I have her take a photo of me sitting down, blowing out a candle on top of the dessert. It's a momento for when I want to make those who ditched me feel like shit the next time I talk to them.

For the rest of the day, I wander in and out of multiple establishments and use the same story: it’s my birthday. I act the part of someone who was neglected by his selfish friends because they’d rather put themselves first. And, it works.

When I step into the sex shop, I look for cock rings. For some reason, I wear them out like running shoes. It must be the friction. Even though they don’t have a change room, or a half-decent exchange policy (something about people not wanting to buy someone else’s sex toys), I play the role and something interesting happens.

And, the giving doesn't end on the 10th.

The next couple of days, I carry on with the – now – charade. Going out to dinner with my friends, dessert is comped (and so is heartburn). Having drinks with the same friends, my booze isn’t free, but my martini glass was filled. Wherever I go, people are giving me things for free (or at a discount) and letting me get away with it even though it’s not my birthday anymore.

Hmmm... Maybe birthdays aren’t so bad. It’s getting older that sucks.


Blogger Chris said...

And did you have a parade for the "friends of the friendless" after that?

Poor guy. I get screwed on my birthday too (cough-it's next month-cough)so I know how you feel.

January 14, 2008 9:42 am  
Blogger Lewis said...

Now, let's see...where is the largest can of worms I can find? Seriously, I hope it was happy. And, already said, wish you were closer for a proper birthday bash. As for growing older, it only gets better in my opinion. I wouldn'g go backwards for anything.

January 14, 2008 10:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When it is my birthday will you send me a picture of you in those cock rings? :o)

January 14, 2008 11:20 am  
Blogger Shirley Heezgay! said...

...maybe it was the combination of a birthday and being a cutie?

January 14, 2008 1:23 pm  
Blogger about a boy said...

getting older isnt all that bad.

at least men get more distinguished!

January 15, 2008 11:30 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, if I said it was my birthday (which it was just recently but didn't care to make a big deal of it), I just get funny stares and then a "SOOO ???" lol
Take advantage of it while you can, Steve!

January 15, 2008 8:19 pm  

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