I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Rachel Ray must fry

You don’t need four men, riding on four stallions to tell you the end is coming. The only thing you have to do is watch the television previews for the fall season.

And, you know it’s time to start counting the days for armageddon when Rachel Ray is about to debut her own talk show.

As a star on the Food Network, Rachel Ray is an insipid, little howler monkey who humps every food-related product because it gets her excited. She’s so irritating that you want to spike her meals with some Ativan so you won't be anxious.

If God has a twisted sense of humour (and he must because he made me), I’d be given the chance to knock her over the head with a tin of canned tomatoes, make her guzzle litres of her precious EVOO (short for extra virgin olive oil – yeah, you’re starting to hate her, too, right?), throwing her into a pot and inside a hot oven, and then season her with some sprigs of parsley when she’s ready to be served.

Ah, the calming power of prayer.

Let’s hope the show is cancelled as quickly as her 30-minute meals.


Blogger Lemuel said...

I examined your recipe for fried Ray and I think you are on track. I fairly certain that the meal can be made for less than - what is it - $45USD(?) per day - about as much as it is probably costing to produce the new talk show.

If God created you and your twisted mind, then I know I'll feel right at home with him!

September 12, 2006 6:10 am  
Blogger Kelly said...


September 12, 2006 6:15 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Hey what happened to the pop music post?

Wait, she actually says "Evoo?"

September 12, 2006 7:52 am  
Blogger Kevin said...

Extra Virgin Olive Oil ... from extra ugly olives.

(Sorry, old joke.)

Yeah, it sounds like she needs to go. (Although I can't say I've ever seen her more than once -- but I'm pretty sure I thought she was a little too excited to be talking about french fries that way.)

September 12, 2006 8:54 am  
Blogger Jeff said...

Good thing I don't have cable, or watch TV for that matter.

September 12, 2006 9:49 am  
Blogger Knottyboy said...

I think you've missed some key steps in the cooking process. Shoving sage infused bread crumbs up her arse and then sewing her mouth up so the tenderizing juices don't evaporate causing her breast meat to dry up and become tough. Now who wants that to happen? Not I! First dibs on a leg my dear.

September 12, 2006 11:42 am  
Blogger toobusyliving said...

I've wanted one of these shirts for a while.

September 12, 2006 2:20 pm  
Anonymous BID said...

Oh my, the violence. Let me fuel the fire. Were you aware that she did a little spread for FHM? About a year or two ago. I was shocked I must say.

September 12, 2006 3:50 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Lemuel: You know her 30-minute meals are pretty expensive to make? I'd rather eat out and not have to do the dishes.

Kelly: Praise Jesus!

Torn: She says EVOO all the time. It gives you such an easy reason to hate her.

Six: She's a little too excited about cooking. I wonder what she's like when she's shopping for food.

Jeff: I don't watch her cooking show, but the commercials for her talk show are on all the friggin' time.

KB: Have one leg, and I'll have the other.

TBL: I thought the t-shirt would have a photo of her head on a stick, or something.

BID: Is it possible to have someone turn you off of food? I thought FHM had taste...

September 12, 2006 3:54 pm  
Blogger Dantallion said...

If God has a twisted sense of humour (and he must because he made me) LOL That's always been MY mantra.

I've never seen her. And now I never will.

September 12, 2006 4:39 pm  
Anonymous Glenn said...

I write this comment with trepidation, but I'll go out on a limb...I kinda like Rachel. There's something infectious about her personality.

That said, I would vote for Food Network going all Tyler Florence, all the time. Got to see him live in SOBE last winter. The man is gorgeous!

September 12, 2006 9:02 pm  

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