I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Spider web

With the day being sunny and warm (if not a little humid), it’s best to take advantage of the weather; pick up a book and go outside for some vitamin D.

Sitting on the concrete block of the porch, I lean back against the front door, spread my legs into a V-shape, open the book and begin to read.

After approximately 20 minutes of being in the same position, my back muscles between my shoulders begin to twitch and my bum is going numb. It’s time to readjust myself.

Before I change positions, I look up towards the street and I notice something shiny captures the light of the setting sun. It looks like a fine thread or a long piece of blonde hair caught in-between my legs.

When I lower the book a few inches, I see another thread, criss-crossing between my legs. As I place the book on my stomach, I realize, on closer inspection, that a spider spun a web between the V of my legs.

In the time I spent reading, a spider climbed up one of my legs and swung back and forth, spinning a web. There is a first time for everything, and this is definitely a first, I think.

I wave my hand through my legs to break up the web and the spider disappears. Fucking spider.

What can I do to alleviate this problem, if it ever happens again?

Ideally, there are two things:

1. Kill all the spiders in the world before I go outside, or
2. Shave my legs

Killing all the spiders is an insurmountable task since there are, literally, zillions of them. And, spiders are kinda gross and I wouldn’t want to clean up the mess afterwards. Ew.

Shaving my legs wouldn’t allow the spiders to spin webs off the leg hairs. Unfortunately, since my legs would be Nair smooth, I’d spend most of my time rubbing them together and moving my hands up and down my thighs for long periods of time.

Since neither of these sounds reasonable, I come to terms to do the easiest - and laziest - option: stay inside and wear long pants all year round.


Blogger tornwordo said...

Aw, spider loves you. You should feel blessed, lol.

September 11, 2006 6:54 am  
Blogger Lemuel said...

hmmm. between you legs, you say?

was it a male or female spider?
(Eeww. That's kinky!)

September 11, 2006 8:21 am  
Blogger BRETTCAJUN said...

I hate spiders. I killed one just the other day. I think they are the reason my dog Pierre gets bites on his belly sometimes.

September 11, 2006 10:16 am  
Blogger Jeff said...

Darn spiders. They are crawling into my house now as it is cold in the evenings. I tried once to be nice and catch them to let them back out side (they are nice to nature and some cultures consider the spider a kind of positive omen to those that seem to attract the critters) but I had this really dumb spider who would not get into the glass and then escaped twice and finally by the time I got him/her back into the container to go back outside he/she was missing a couple of legs, so I killed it anyway. If you can't co-operate spider, then I'm afraid your life will meet its end.

September 11, 2006 12:46 pm  
Blogger Kevin said...

I walked out of my house one evening and almost into a spider web that the world's largest spider had built ... and was currently in the middle of ... swear to God, the spider, with legs in standing mode, was about as big around as a soup can -- the body about the size of a half dollar (not sure if you know the american currency enough to get that -- but it was BIG)

September 11, 2006 1:01 pm  
Blogger Not so Single Guy said...

Dont shave your legs. I tried that once and it was painful..the growing back of hairs.

September 11, 2006 7:57 pm  
Blogger Steven said...

Torn: You're nobody until somebody loves you... does it count that it's a spider?

Lemuel: Ew.

BC: I don't care for them, like bees. They leave me alone and I leave them alone.

Jeff: I'd just kill 'em - faster that way.

Six: I run into them all the time, especially in the yard. They're everywhere!

SG: No, I won't. Too much work.

September 11, 2006 10:02 pm  

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