I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Sit down and make yourself uncomfortable

The sofa cushions are straightened, the dust has been cleaned, and the floors swiped with the vacuum. For an additional touch of ooh la la, I spritz some room spray in the air to make the place smell like a citrus grove.

Why all this fluffing? Company is coming over and I want the place to resemble a House & Home magazine layout. My mother always says you never know who'll show up unannounced, like an insistant Jehovah's Witness who doesn't understand the the meaning of the word no.

When they walk through the door, one of my friends says, “Your place always looks so nice, Steven.”

“Well, I try to keep it clean in case people come over," I say as I take their coats. "Go, go and sit down on the couch.” I wave and point to the living room. “I’ll get you something to drink. What do you want?”

They walk into the living room and stand.

“Are we allowed to sit on the couch?”

What an odd question.

“Of course, that’s what they’re there for,” I respond.

“But, we don’t want to mess things up.”

Ah, so that’s the reason why they’re still standing.

“Don’t worry, after you leave, I’ll rearrange everything,” I say from the kitchen.

They’re taken aback by this statement. I can see the shock on their face when I walk into the living room.

What did they expect from me? I have always kept everything clean and tidy, not to mention stylish. But, I am not one of those people who freak out if someone leaves a crumb on the floor... ok, sometimes I do.

If you drop a glass of red wine on the cream upholstery, then you’re not invited back until you pay the bill for the steam cleaning and possible reupholstery of the sofa with a soft, low-pile, creamy velvet chenille from Brunschwig & Fils.

Is being clean a crime?

It’s like having someone say, “Why should I take a bath if I’m only going to get dirty again?”

Ew. Gross.

As the night passes, I notice they’re loosening up, even curling up their feet underneath their bums while sitting on the sofa. I don’t mind. Go right ahead. Sit down and make yourself uncomfortable.

I'll be fluffing the pillows after you leave.


Anonymous Jason said...

Are u doing all this for me?

Don't make me blush.

October 27, 2006 12:29 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

Cleanliness is next to Gayliness.

or at least thats what I have heard.

October 27, 2006 7:49 am  
Blogger liquid said...

When you "clean the dust", do you actually put it all back where you found it once it is clean, or do you rearrange it in slightly different, but just as naturally appealing patterns on the furniture?

October 27, 2006 9:01 am  
Blogger madamerouge said...

Is this you, dearest?

October 27, 2006 10:25 am  
Blogger Steven said...

Jason: I'm not choosy. I make everyone uncomfortable!

Timmy: I'm sure there are a lot of messy gay people out there.

Liquid: Fine. I move it around in circles, hoping no one notices.

MR: No. Wire. Hangers. Ever!

October 27, 2006 10:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I admit it. I'm a messy gay.

October 27, 2006 10:45 am  
Blogger Timmy said...

I bet you are, Salem.

October 27, 2006 11:09 am  
Blogger toobusyliving said...

Madamerouge's apartment is like a museum...everything in it's place. And don't even TRY and get near one of his curio cabinets filled with his figurines.

October 27, 2006 11:11 am  
Blogger your judgemental aunt said...

When friends from out of town that Mme Rouge and I have in common plan on coming for a weekend visit I ask if they are staying at Monica's (Mme Rouge) or Joey's (that's me).

October 27, 2006 11:54 am  
Blogger Earl said...

I once had a roommate explode on me: "WHY DO WE HAVE TO LIVE IN A FUCKING MAGAZINE?!?!?! WHERE ARE THE FUCKING CAMERAS?!?!?!"

She was quickly replaced.

October 27, 2006 1:57 pm  
Blogger liquid said...

steven: hell, that's exactly what I do... ;)

October 27, 2006 2:47 pm  
Blogger tornwordo said...

I'm the guy who says, "Who cares if the toilet is dirty, we're just SHITTING in it!" lol.

October 28, 2006 6:49 am  
Anonymous jason said...

Watch that fluffing. There was a whole Nip/Tuck episode about that.

You can get things from doing that.

October 29, 2006 7:21 pm  

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