Sit down and make yourself uncomfortable

The sofa cushions are straightened, the dust has been cleaned, and the floors swiped with the vacuum. For an additional touch of ooh la la, I spritz some room spray in the air to make the place smell like a citrus grove.

Why all this fluffing? Company is coming over and I want the place to resemble a House & Home magazine layout. My mother always says you never know who'll show up unannounced, like an insistant Jehovah's Witness who doesn't understand the the meaning of the word no.

When they walk through the door, one of my friends says, “Your place always looks so nice, Steven.”

“Well, I try to keep it clean in case people come over," I say as I take their coats. "Go, go and sit down on the couch.” I wave and point to the living room. “I’ll get you something to drink. What do you want?”

They walk into the living room and stand.

“Are we allowed to sit on the couch?”

What an odd question.

“Of course, that’s what they’re there for,” I respond.

“But, we don’t want to mess things up.”

Ah, so that’s the reason why they’re still standing.

“Don’t worry, after you leave, I’ll rearrange everything,” I say from the kitchen.

They’re taken aback by this statement. I can see the shock on their face when I walk into the living room.

What did they expect from me? I have always kept everything clean and tidy, not to mention stylish. But, I am not one of those people who freak out if someone leaves a crumb on the floor... ok, sometimes I do.

If you drop a glass of red wine on the cream upholstery, then you’re not invited back until you pay the bill for the steam cleaning and possible reupholstery of the sofa with a soft, low-pile, creamy velvet chenille from Brunschwig & Fils.

Is being clean a crime?

It’s like having someone say, “Why should I take a bath if I’m only going to get dirty again?”

Ew. Gross.

As the night passes, I notice they’re loosening up, even curling up their feet underneath their bums while sitting on the sofa. I don’t mind. Go right ahead. Sit down and make yourself uncomfortable.

I'll be fluffing the pillows after you leave.