I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Hag lighting

Hag lighting is just that: lighting that makes you look like a hag. It’s harsh and sourced from above (like fluorescents). Older people know from experience that being lit from flattering points makes them look younger, softer and more beautiful.

But, I never really noticed the negatives of hag lighting until I witnessed it first-hand.

As I’m sitting at my father’s computer in the basement, I turn on the desk lamp which is high above the desk, directed towards the wall. The light bounces off the creamy panels and reflects off my face when I look in the mirror next to the desk. Even though the lighting is soft and indirect, I look horrible.

There’s a furrow between my eyebrows that looks much deeper than I initially thought. I pull apart my eyebrows with my fingers to stretch out the skin and remove the groove.

For a fleeting moment, I think I have to get botox. This is the Grand Canyon of wrinkles. Fuck, my finger is almost on the touch pad of the phone, ready to make an appointment.

But, the wrinkle and negative thinking goes away when I turn off the desk lamp. I’ve always looked better in the dark.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think we all do. Maybe that's why we're all lost

December 06, 2010 12:27 am  
Blogger A Lewis said...

"...Older people know from experience that being lit from flattering points makes them look younger, softer and more beautiful..."

I see that you've discovered my secrets.....

And, by the way, I notice that you strategically left out any photographic evidence.

December 06, 2010 9:59 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, HumanNature, give yourself a break and stop obsessing about your inadequacies so much. EVEN the handsomest, youngest, smartest, best hung stud in the pen is good at only some things, mediocre at many others, bad at a few.

You, and all 7 billion of us, just are what we are. It's too late to make major renovations (do that sometime before you're 21).

You've got plenty of time to ACHIEVE but in the meantime, you just have to BE.

December 07, 2010 12:39 am  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Low light is key. We all look like models while dining at The Keg.

December 10, 2010 8:04 am  
Anonymous johnmichael said...

Yup, lighting can do wonders...I always think of that detective show that Bruce Willis was in on television "Moonlighting" and they always had that glowing light on Cybil Shepard.

December 10, 2010 11:13 am  

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