Trimming my bush

When the snow melts and the grass begins to grow beneath the layers of slush and mud, it’s time to get outside and take care of the landscaping.

This entails moving the lawn, doing and gathering clippings (grass, trees, deadheads), and watering the flowers.

Personally, I enjoy trimming my bush and I think it looks quite lovely when it's neat and tidy.

It's too bad I didn't promote my services this summer, taking advantage of the craze of hiring someone to pull the weeds, like John the gardener on Desperate Housewives.

In no way do I resemble Jesse Metcalfe in any way, shape, or form. I don’t have the looks, the body (with the overdeveloped chest and – shockingly pudgy – love-handles) and I don’t walk around half-naked while shovelling manure.

But, I do have an acting range that doesn’t require taking off my shirt to show off my considerable assets.

Anyway, who wants to deal with Mrs. Solis, a Chihuahua of a woman who incessantly barks and snaps at your heels like you’re the mailman?

Eh. Let him take care of Longoria.

Does anyone need me to plow their field?