To the woman who can't walk in high heels
You don’t know me, but I know you. In fact, I think I know you pretty well. In fact, we’re very close. So close in fact that I keep on stepping on you, repeatedly. Why, you ask? It’s because you can’t walk in high heels and you deserved to be stepped on.
To be honest, I don't know there the blame lies: your inability to walk in general, or the shoes on your feet. For the purpose of this letter, I'm going with a combination of both.
To start, I have to shoot the person who taught you how to walk. I always taught you place one foot in front of the other and repeat the motion in order to progress from point A to point B. You can’t even do that.
Come on, lady, shuffle or something. You do realize you’re slowing everyone down, right? Of course not. If you did, that would mean you’d actually care for the well-being of others. But, you don't, you selfish cow.
The second thing I want to mention are your shoes. I mean, why walk around in heels when you can’t actually walk in them? It’s bad enough you wobble like you weigh 500 pounds, teetering on stilts, but a stilted heifer can move faster than you.
Even though I am a man, I can probably do a better job walking in heels. In fact, I can probably strut in them, like Caroline Trentini galloping down a runway. And if I put a little effort into it, I can probably break out into a run. You know what that is, right? Running? Nah, you probably don’t since it involves actual motion.
For next time, make sure you’re wearing a pair of shoes you can walk in. If not, I’m going to re-enact the scene from Showgirls where Nomi pushes another hooker down the stairs, and you’re the hooker. And, don’t call my bluff. If I can do it to an 80-year-old woman, I can do it to you.